Oh dear, the season of love (or so they say) is almost upon us. If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day, rather than feeling all warm and fuzzy about it, just know that you’re not alone and your feelings are perfectly rational.

No, we’re not here to rain on the parade of anyone who simply adores February 14th. Our goal is simply to remind those who feel otherwise that they shouldn’t feel pressured to get into the spirit of things.

In illustration of this point, consider these reasons why V-Day can—and often does—turn pretty toxic and can ultimately be the source, paradoxically, of much loneliness, heartbreak, feelings of anxiety and unfounded shame:

Disney, Hallmark & Hollywood create unrealistic expectations

It’s the same thing every year…. Too-good-to-be-true Hollywood rom-coms; store display windows crammed with red balloons, candied hearts, and mushy Hallmark cards; and social media awash with filtered versions of romantic bliss. 

It’s virtually impossible not to compare your love life to this idealized picture and feel that you fall horribly short. But real life is no Disney fairytale and your partner(s), lovely as they may be, are not Prince/Princess/Royalty Charming. 

Even if you have an amazingly full life as a single person or are part of a pretty solid relationship, you may suddenly find yourself feeling woefully inadequate.

In response, you may, like so many of us, end up giving in to the commercialized hype surrounding February 14th. So, you spend money you don't have on gifts your sweetheart doesn't need in a desperate attempt to measure up. Indeed, the total US consumer spend on Valentine’s Day gifts and cards is in excess of $18.6 billion!

singles and couples feel the V-Day pressure

Valentine's Day can be difficult if you're single and surrounded by apparently happy couples, it can start to feel like everyone but you has discovered their perfect match. As a result, says Linda Walter, LCSW of Psychology Today, spending Valentine's Day alone may make you feel unlovable. You may think you'll never love or be loved. 

Meanwhile, those in unhappy relationships are highly likely to feel the same. The pressures of the day may even cause strife within generally solid partnerships. Per one Facebook relationship status study, breakups peak after Valentine's Day, possibly due to disappointed expectations. Lack of communication regarding Valentine's Day expectations can easily lead to unfounded resentment and unnecessary conflict.

the patriarchy & archaic gender norms are reinforced 

Thanks to the full-on commercialization of V-Day and the Hollywood machine that propels it, traditional, often toxic hetero-normative gender tropes are reinforced by the hype.

Just think of the blatant objectification of women in the lingerie ads leading up to Valentine's Day and you’ll see exactly what we mean. Then there is the societal expectation, founded in hetero-normative stereotypes, that men have a duty to shower their wives and girlfriends with gifts and affection… and the inevitable hurt and resentment that ensues.

In fact, considering its somewhat horrific origins, Valentine’s Day could quite reasonably be viewed as a form of cultural patriarchal conditioning, centered largely on feminine fertility and the female duty to produce healthy and plentiful offspring. Fertile ground for toxic masculinity.

Valentine’s Day can be prejudicial to anyone who doesn’t fit the mold

In an ideal world, Valentine’s Day would represent a chance to express and celebrate love in all its forms. Unfortunately, the reality is quite the opposite for any relationship that does not conform to societal expectations. In fact, public displays of affection can even be downright dangerous for couples who don’t fit the societal mold.

anti-LQBTQIA+ sentiment

According to the FBI, sexual orientation and gender identity ranked third and fourth as the most common bases for all hate crimes in 2019. Most frequently, gays (61.8%), lesbians (10%), and transgender and bisexual people (25%) were the victims of these crimes. 

At the very least, this community faces the threat of being turned away from or regarded with disdain at restaurants, hotels and anywhere else they go to celebrate their love. It can be hard to find safe spaces for queer folx. 

racial prejudice

As for non-white or interracial couples, there are similar dangers involved in publicly celebrating their romance. Per the FBI stats on 2019 hate crimes, 57.6 percent of the single-bias hate crime victims were targeted based on their ethnicity, race or ancestry. This included 4,930 victims in that year alone.

 all of this takes its toll on mental health

With such extreme societal pressure to be happy and in a committed relationship, many people end up feeling worthless and unloved. So, with all the above in mind, it should come as little surprise that the hype around Valentine's Day can easily exacerbate anxiety, despair and even suicidality. 

Indeed, according to the Suicide Prevention Service of the Central Coast (SPSCC), Valentine’s Day marks the start of the annual peak season for suicide in the US. Additionally, the SPSCC reveals that failing relationships are the leading reason for calls to the suicide hotline.

If you find yourself overwhelmed with negative emotions, now or at any other time of the year, don’t hesitate to seek out the support of a qualified therapist.

survive Valentine’s Day by remembering to love yourself

If you do love V-Day, more power to you! You do you and celebrate your love like you’re on honeymoon or living in that Disney movie. Just be mindful that not everyone shares your feelings, nor do they have to. 

Meanwhile, if you’re among the many of us who dread rather than eagerly anticipate February 14th, we hope we’ve helped you feel less like the Grinch who stole Valentine’s Day.

Here are a few tips for how to get through this Valentine’s Day without losing the spring in your step:

• Avoid comparing yourself to the fictionalized unrealistic versions of love presented in the media.

• Consider taking a social media detox for the month of February.

• Use the day to advocate for a more inclusive society.

• Remember that self-love is the greatest love of all. There is no societal norm, romantic or otherwise, that you need to live up to in order to be worthy of love.

If you are struggling with navigating Valentine's Day or negative feelings and self-doubt, don’t be afraid to reach out. We offer a range of therapy services that can help you navigate February 14th and every other day of the year.

Angelica Hoover combines her interests in clean eating, taking care of her nieces and nephews, and journalism as a freelance writer and editor for health and family publications. She likes pour-over coffee, walking in nature, and green living.

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