On the Pandemic Relationship Pressure Cooker & How it Can Save Your Relationship
Does anyone else feel like their partnership is all over the place right now? One week you’re very connected, the next you’re at each others’ throats? I know that I can’t be the only one navigating this, a show of hands please…
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s been pretty crazy out there. We’ve been sequestered to our houses for almost a year now, with no clear understanding of when this will end. Systemic forces of oppression have been under a spotlight (thankfully). Liberal and conservative tension remains high. Plus, you can’t watch the superbowl at outdoor restaurants in LA and apparently that’s a big deal.
It’s also pretty crazy IN here (my house). As a couple therapist, I feel I can lean into my expertise here and comfortably proclaim: partners are not meant to spend all of their time together. Especially not under incredibly stressful and destabilizing circumstances! Of course, not all partners are having an excruciating time, we’ve all heard the stories: “My spouse and I are doing really well, actually” “We’re more connected than ever before” “We’re having the most sex we’ve ever had!” Look, there’s always an exception to the rule, right? A needle in the haystack? A couple having the most sex ever while the world is on fire? Sex IS a natural de-stresser (and can sometimes be an avoidance strategy) so it’s not all that surprising actually.
“the most beautiful love poems have been written in the most dire of circumstances”
Most modern partnerships have not been built on the foundation of spending all of our waking time together. Instead, we have committed to being partnered under the assurances that one or all partners will leave to go to work for the greater part of the day and sometimes even stay out to have dinner or happy hour with friends, only to return for an hour or two, of togetherness before we send each other off to sleep. That was the deal, right?
So we’re all in agreement that most of us did not sign up for this. And for those of us who aren’t the exception--feeling the deepest connectedness with our partner--this shit is hard. If you’re encountering more partnership conflict, stress, dissatisfaction, frustration, disconnection, or are having fantasies of running away and leaving it all (including your partner) behind, you are not alone. I’m here to say that these are perfectly normal and natural thoughts and feelings to have during this time. And I’m an “expert,” remember?
As a therapist trained in Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), one of the techniques I use in working with couples is to try to gently apply pressure to their dynamic or conflict. I do this to help them get all of their authentic messiness out in the open, so that they can look at it honestly and directly and find a meaningful way to repair ruptures, so that they can make agreements that better support them to feel more secure in their relationship.
With everything we have been navigating over the past year, we’re living in a built-in pressure cooker right now! As a result, does it feel like things are going off the rails in your relationship? Or are you seeing things about your partner (both strengths and challenges) that you’ve never really noticed before?
In an interview with Sheryl Sandberg about couples surviving the pandemic, relationship expert Esther Perel described how crises tend to be relationship accelerators. The pandemic is a major, collective crisis that we’re all navigating together currently. In a pressure cooker, time feels short, like we have to make decisions quickly because life seems less permanent. It also gives us clarity to see things for how they really are. Partners may more impulsively decide to move in together, get married or have a baby. Alternatively, they may decide to split up—likely feeling afraid of wasting more time on something they feel isn’t working.
“While the pressure cooker stresses us as a couple and reveals any cracks in our foundation, it also highlights our capacity for resilience.”
As my partner and fellow therapist, Paul Kindman, wrote in last week’s blog about moving away from rugged individualism and codependence into a relationship built on interdependence, the way we heal and forge any cracks that this pandemic has shown us requires that we move into more secure-functioning, together. We’re all stuck at home together without many of the supports that we are accustomed to that help us manage our stress. We are likely relying on our partner to be our everything right now, which is not what we are meant to do as humans.
Naturally this creates additional stress, conflict, and brings out our biggest relationship fears. It may not feel like it right now, but those of us in partnership (and all relationships, really) have a great opportunity for building more sustainable structures and agreements in our relationships.
While the pressure cooker stresses us as a couple and reveals any cracks in our foundation, it also highlights our capacity for resilience. After all, if we can figure out how to get through a year-long pandemic, staying home working with kids running around, we can get through anything, right? Perel says: “the most beautiful love poems have been written in the most dire of circumstances.” It’s vital that we recognize the cracks right now and welcome them with curiosity and care for ourselves and our partner. What do the etched lines tell us about the areas where we need to grow as a couple? How do they show us where we are needing to focus our energy, time, and love? Are there any cracks showing through that have been hammered in so deep or with such frequency that they may feel too big or even beyond repair? If so, these are rising to the surface during an incredibly stressful season, calling out loud for your attention so that they don’t become submerged for too long again. Take the invitation that this crisis has brought us; the time to have meaningful discussions, cry together, inquire what each of you needs to repair, make new agreements for how to better care for each other, and then, let go. If you feel you need additional support, couple therapy is a great place to start.
Through this pressure cooker, we are learning how to more beautifully care for one another and feel more connected, sustained, and secure in our relationships moving forward. As Esther says: “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”
Looking for relationship counseling, marriage counseling, or couples therapy in los angeles? All of our couple therapists work with married and unmarried couples and partners to reduce relationship distress and have more intimacy, connectedness, and relationship satisfaction. Visit our relationship & couples therapy page to learn more about the relationship counseling services we offer.
Kaitlin Kindman, is a co-founder of Kindman & Co., an activist, and a feminist. Her purpose is to help her clients come to believe that they are not alone, they belong, AND they inspire—they have the power to bring about change. She works with her clients to feel more connected, so that they take actions that improve their relationships and the world.
Kaitlin is deeply committed to providing socially just and anti-oppressive therapy. She really loves working with couples to improve their relationships and deepen intimacy, with other therapists and healers, as well as entrepreneurs and other business owners. Kaitlin finds true enjoyment in cuddling with animals, a just-right temperature cup of tea, feeling the sun on her face, and dancing in supermarket aisles.
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