On Pet Loss & Grief
Guest Blog: Drew DiFonzo Marks
Recently, my dog died. But I feel like my daughter died.
But I’d never say that not out loud to the real world anyway. I’m afraid of the judging eye-rolls. I’m worried people will think I’m talking about a human child and then be mad at me that I tricked them when I meant “just a dog”.
The world does a pretty lousy job handling people’s grief anyway. (Here’s a good read on that FYI: It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand) We think leaving one sincere Instagram comment is “reaching out”. It’s not. Not enough, anyway. So Pet Grief? It just gets tossed aside. It’s a disenfranchised type of grief.
In some ways, we are headed in the right direction. The bonds between humans and animals are being taken more seriously. Look at the recent LA Fires; Sure, you saw dozens of posts about where to donate clothing or how to make your own air filter tips - but there was also a huge amount of organizations and resources going to helping the pets affected by the fires and reuniting them with their families.
The world is starting to be more “pet friendly” and I don’t just mean allowing dogs in restaurants - but seeing them as true members of the family.
(If you want to help animals that were specifically affected by the LA fires, here are some links. These go directly to their LA Fire pages, not the general site: Best Friends Animal Society, Pasadena Humane Society, The International Fund for Animal Welfare. )
After I became a Grief Counselor (for humans), I decided I wanted to specialize in Pet Loss Grief. I wanted to learn the difference between how a human experiences the death of a loved one and the death of a beloved animal. The major difference I learned was this: There is no major difference.
Losing a pet (dog, cat, fish, horse, truly any creature) is losing a major relationship in your life. You mourn what they meant. You miss their presence. Wish for their smell. Weep when you reach for them only to suddenly remember - they’re gone. It’s no different than losing a human and all the agonizing gut-wrenching aches that come with that.
“Grief is a lonely war, but it doesn’t have to be.”
I’ve found it helpful to look at your relationship with your pet and try to label what they mean to you. Wiley, my dog who just died, was, and will always be, my daughter.
Your relationship with your pet doesn’t need to be a familial one. It can be your best friend, your dance partner, your shadow… whatever feels right for you two. I have another dog now who I would call “my teacher”. And when (not if) she dies - I will mourn and grieve that relationship as deeply and painfully as if she were a human. And I’m OK with that. Nobody should have to hide or minimize their grief for their pets.
Grief support groups (for humans and for pets) are great ways of seeing others going through the same pain you are. And having your pain seen by others is a healing experience in itself.
To be honest, grief groups also highlight the unique pain you are feeling, that nobody else will ever understand. Because your loss is unique to you, and only you. It’s a bittersweet but highlights how important these creatures are in our lives, and how deeply embedded they’ve become in our hearts.
“Grief is a lonely war” but it doesn’t have to be.- Wolverine.
If you are interested in joining a Pet Loss Group please reach out to: PetGriefGroup@gmail.com
If you are looking for Grief Group Counseling please reach out to: GriefGroupCounseling@gmail.com
Hi! I’m Drew. I spent 20 years in LA working full-time in comedy, and then my life was knocked upside-down by grief from multiple deaths simultaneously. After the years it took me to get back on my feet, I wanted to learn more about grief so that I could help others process this unique pain. I got a master’s degree in ‘Trauma Studies’ from North Central University. I was trained and volunteered at Our House Grief Support Center, working with grieving adults who recently lost a loved one. Then, I became a Certified Grief Counselor via the American Academy of Grief Counseling / American Institute of Health Care Professionals.
Most recently I became certified in the specialty of Pet Loss Grief.
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