Steve and I had the pleasure of facilitating a workshop at fwb, which is a “social club for the bold and curious,” and works to help folks explore pleasure and play, specifically through a non-monogamous lens. When we were sitting down and trying to figure out what to discuss, we landed on the importance of being able to have hard conversations. So often our clients come to us with issues around a conflict with their loved one(s), and feel disappointed or frustrated with how the conversation went because it felt like they couldn’t express themselves correctly. Often, that’s because of our own nervous system arousal and difficulty self-regulating, as well as paying attention to the arousal of the person that we’re talking to. I have definitely been there! I just want to tell my husband that I need help, but then it comes out as defensiveness and anger. Why is that? Because I am not using my own embodiment tools and awareness to slow down and do the vulnerable thing, which for me, is asking for help. 

In this blog, we aim to provide some insights around co-regulation and how to use different tools of awareness and embodiment cues to help you have a more effective conversation. Let’s dive into the basics of attachment theory to help us know more about why we are the way that we are.

the basics of attachment theory

There are four attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. We primarily see folks with secure, anxious, and avoidant forms of attachment styles, so we’ll focus on these below. In the modality we use with partners here at Kindman & Co., PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), there are great little metaphors to help understand each of these styles. 

• Secure attachment is represented as an anchor. Anchors tend to trust that they can turn to their partners for support when in distress. Here there is a balance of autonomy and connectedness and in conflict they respond by taking responsibility for their part, apologizing when appropriate and problem-solving collaboratively. An anchored partner might say something like, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, I can tell it didn’t feel good when I said that. Do you want to talk more about it?”

• Anxious attachment is represented as a wave. Waves might seem more excitable or like they have big outward expression of their emotions. They tend to find soothing and comfort in connection with others, while also sometimes struggling to trust that connection will remain. Wave-ish partners will often reach out to others to help make sense of feelings, ask for reassurance, but it somehow doesn’t land for them. A wave-y partner might say something like, “You seem distracted, are you tuning me out? What’s going on for you? I’m afraid you’re not interested in us and I feel alone here.”

• Avoidant attachment is represented as an island. Islands tend to seem distant or disengaged, seeking out alone time, especially when they feel stressed. When in conflict, island partners might appeal to logical reasoning, and retreat from criticism or vulnerability (from either partner). It can be hard for islands to reflect on their own internal experience. They might say something like, “I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling right now but I have to be alone. You keep asking me how I’m doing and I don’t understand what you want. I can deal with it myself, can’t you?”

why it’s helpful to know your attachment style

Why bother to know all of this? Understanding your attachment style gives you insight into your reactions in the moment. It tells you the path of least resistance for your nervous system during moments of distress. With this information you can better seek out care, and communicate with your partner(s) about what you need without baffling them by your reaction. Understanding your partner’s style is equally important, giving you the keys to know what they need in order to feel soothed and ready for connection. When I’m (Steve) feeling my island energy ramp up, I know that I want to disappear and just take care of myself, which I know now feels terrible to my wave-ish partner. In order to come together, it’s important to address the needs of both the Island and Wave so that you can more effectively communicate with less tension.

Regardless of your styles, secure anchored functioning is the goal. It is embodied and felt (more on that in a bit), and as Jessica Fern says in Polysecure, “built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other.” When you and your partners are feeling anchored with each other, you can all remain in your window of tolerance, even during hard conversations.

If you’re interested, you can learn more about attachment styles and ways to strengthen your attachments in one of our previous blogs about earned secure (a.k.a. “anchored”) attachment.

the Window of Tolerance & Embodiment

So, in understanding attachment more, we can identify how we are in a relationship and how our partners are in a relationship. What we and they tend to do to cope is helpful when getting into activating conversations. This is where the Window of Tolerance comes into play. One of the hopes of secure attachment is having a relationship that feels safe enough to help widen each others tolerance to remain regulated and able to engage in potentially dysregulating conversations. 

Here’s an image of what happens for folks when we’re outside of our Window of Tolerance: 

Knowing how we typically respond when overwhelmed, afraid, angry, sad, etc. helps our partners to understand what is needed to get us out of hypo/hyper arousal. For example, when I (Caitlin) am feeling shame, I tend to shut down, showing hypoarousal, and I feel numb. So, it’s helpful to use mindfulness (i.e. using statements like, “These are just shame thoughts” or exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to help).

AND THEN! We get to build on that by utilizing embodiment. What does embodiment mean? Well, it’s that emotions don’t only happen in our heads, they occur in our bodies first. We can learn how to listen to our emotions in our bodies to better understand how to get our needs met.

Check out this little chart on embodiment cues to understand more:

tips for Having the Hard Conversation

Here’s the biggest thing we want to leave with: you can have hard conversations whenever you want because you can create the conditions for it to go well.

In short it’s a two-part job consisting of self-regulation and co-regulation. Taking care of yourself is the first part of taking care of your partner because from a calm, anchored place, you may be able to help your partner weather the storm.

The first part of co-regulation is identifying dysregulation. When you notice that you or your partner are outside of your window of tolerance (this is what we mean when you are dysregulated), this is when you must engage strategies like using your embodied cues, physical touch, calming words, and changing your environment to help regulate. Trying to have a hard conversation when either of you are outside your window of tolerance is a surefire way to escalate things to a fight where you’re no longer working together.

So, are you more of an island or a wave? Do you feel yourself freezing up or going numb (going into hypoarousal)? Or do you often notice that you are prone to feeling tense and getting ready to fight (hyperarousal)?

Self-regulation comes next. If you’re an island prone to hypoarousal, engage your brain by naming what you’re feeling in the moment (i.e. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, or, I’m feeling suddenly tired). Introduce movement to your body by taking a walk or stretching, massaging your hands and feet, or asking for physical touch from your partner.

If you’re more prone to wave-like hyperarousal, engage your logical brain and your body together to come back down to a regulated place. Paced breathing (for example breathe in for four, out for eight), body scan meditation, and movement to express energy (shaking, dancing, stretching) can help you come back to your window of tolerance.

tips for co-regulation in a hard conversation

Now what about your partner? Co-regulation is about your awareness and response to your partner’s nervous system. What do you notice when things start getting difficult? While you can’t be a mind reader, you can understand them better by tuning your awareness to read their signals and bring them back from dysregulation.

Notice their breathing and their body language. Perhaps they say they are calm but you see that they are clenching their jaw, and their voice sounds pinched. These are good signs that they might be heading toward overwhelm and hyperarousal. Or maybe they are talking with you clearly but you notice their posture drooping and their expression seems flat. These are good signs that they are heading toward hypoarousal. Learn to read your partner’s cues so that you know when to help them stay regulated.

Finally, with this ability to read their reactions, you can become the expert on helping your partner stay connected. When they’re shutting down, maybe you have a surefire joke that can help them lighten the mood and find a path toward connection. Or maybe you know that sitting them down for a shoulder rub is the best way to get your partner to come back to you. If you’re not sure, it’s time to experiment! Try new things until you feel confident that you can help your partner stay in connection with you when things start to get hard.

Practice when things are going well, noticing your own reactions and nervous system, and the same for your partner. This will help you gain the awareness and ability to create the conditions to have hard conversations through co-regulation.

If this resonates with you, or you feel like you’ve tried but still want additional support, Kindman & Co. therapists are accepting clients for individual and relationship therapy. We are here to help you maintain your center and move forward with the hard conversations you want to have.

Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.

Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, a queer man, and a feminist. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships. Fun facts are that Steve has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!

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We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.