On Finding Safe Spaces as Queer Folx
As a therapist, I find clients are often interested in self care and how to incorporate this practice into their daily life. Believe me, I am in full agreement that self care is important, but if it was as easy as “just doing it,” you would have done it already. At times, there are barriers or challenges that can limit us from engaging in the things we love to do: time, money, and even safety. These three limitations can be rooted in identity or privilege, thus making self care a burden and even scary for those of us who hold marginalized identities. As a queer POC with many hobbies and an endless desire for adventure, it’s hard to find places I feel affirmed and safe in. It’s the small things that make me feel unsafe—judging looks from across the room, quiet whispers, or even things as big and as blatant as being ignored or outright rudeness. The act of finding a safe space can be daunting and sometimes makes staying at home seem more appealing.
On a daily basis, we are exposed to hate crimes, racism, and hatred sprinkled throughout news and media. If you are queer or gender non conforming (GNC) you are probably aware of things you “shouldn’t do” in public. Don’t use a public restroom, don’t kiss your partner, don’t speak in your authentic voice, etc. Our attention has been focused on what not to do and left a gap in knowing how to actually find spaces to feel safe. The sad reality is that bills like Don’t Say Gay, threats to gay rights advocates, and investigations of gender-affirming care as child abuse are happening in this very moment. How do we find spaces to be ourselves if our very existence is threatened and questioned both locally and globally?
tips to find a queer-affirming, safe space
Take a minute to think about an environment that feels safe. Are you feeling judged or worried? Are you masking your identities? Ideally, having multiple safe environments we can engage in increases the resources around us. In collecting secure places, we are able to be genuine and authentic without holding back. Here are a few ways I have learned to navigate new spaces while going out with queer friends, by myself, or with my partner.
Social Media
Social media accounts are a good representation of how the location wants to be portrayed. Who do they follow? Who has tagged this location? Who is represented in their pictures?
Reading Reviews
A yelp or google search allows us to dive deep into the realm of reviews and photos. Read comments folx have posted about satisfaction with the location, friendliness of staff, accessibility, and bathrooms.
Ask an Ally to be an Ally
Invoking an ally to call ahead and ask about inclusion and affirming environments can be extremely helpful. Tell an ally what you are looking for and what would help you to know if a place is affirming and welcoming. Allies can also go to the location early to explore the new setting and tell you what to expect before meeting them there.
Exit plan
Like a fire alarm, we hope to never use it but feel safe knowing it is there. If you feel uncomfortable in an environment, how will you leave? Will you just walk out? Will you call a friend for support? Will you have someone who can guide you through a difficult situation?
These tips for finding safe spaces are useful in navigating places we fear will be uncomfortable or can help us try to expand safe spaces to interact with. We are social creatures that crave newness. So if you’re planning a date night or looking for a new coffee shop to study at, try these tips when navigating new places!
Dani Marrufo is Latinx, lesbian woman who is passionate about supporting Latinx, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ folks. She is constantly navigating the intersections of my queer identity & religion/spirituality and very excited about helping poly and queer-identified partners to feel more secure in their relationships, communicate effectively and compassionately, and bridge any relevant cultural differences to have increased curiosity and enjoyment in their partnership.
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