On Relational Therapy & Is It Okay to Ask My Therapist About Themself?
Are you allowed to ask your therapist questions? If so, what kind? During individual therapy sessions, my clients will often apprehensively (or apologetically) ask if they can ask me a question. It might be too personal, they say, or: I’m not sure if this is okay, but… What follows is more often than not a very genuine, understandable, normal, human question! And, to my clients’ surprise, I usually answer in whatever way feels most authentic and appropriate. I also like to talk about what it felt like to ask, and to hear the answer because I really believe that the point of therapy is connection, and a huge part of connection is being able to be honest, vulnerable, and curious in relationships, especially when things feel weird.
In general, though, the lack of clarity around therapeutic etiquette is real. When clients feel unsure or worried, they’re actually responding to a pervasive cultural idea of what a therapist is supposed to be. Most people think of therapists as blank, featureless professionals who listen to sad things and say “Mhm.” This idea, which we often see portrayed in the media, is actually a very, very old one. In some ways, the quintessential therapist is still Freud-like: erudite, opaque, bespectacled, scratching away at a notepad while a client recounts their childhood.
“Therapy provides an experience of what a healthy relationship can be.”
therapy isn’t objective
The Freudian stereotype didn’t come from nowhere though, it’s the way therapy was taught for a long time. If the therapist was a blank screen, there would be space for the client’s inner world to be “objectively” observed. But what this line of thinking doesn’t take into account is that the therapist is a person, too, and that their identity, biases, and experiences impact the therapeutic relationship whether they talk about it or not. It’s all subjective. Not acknowledging this subjectivity can actually be very harmful in therapy, since it can replicate harmful dynamics of power and oppression.
So, while there are certainly still therapists who work this way, at Kindman & Co., we practice relational therapy—or therapy that’s focused on healing through the therapeutic relationship, which means acknowledging all parties’ subjectivity and humanity. This real, connected relationship is the strong foundation that makes space for discussions about culture, context, power, environment, oppression and privilege, feelings, and (of course!) family stuff, too. Therapy provides an experience of what a healthy relationship can be.
Which brings me to the actual genesis of this blog post. We asked our Kindman & Co. Instagram followers what questions they wanted answers to, but feel too shy to ask their therapist? I’m here to honestly answer a few (from my own, very human perspective).
Questions for your therapist:
Why is it always the parents?
This is an excellent question, and a pretty complicated one.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s not always the parents/primary caregivers. Sometimes it’s your parent’s parents (intergenerational trauma), or society (cultural narratives/norms/expectations), or oppression (racism, classism, sexism, ableism, heteropatriarchy, etc.), or just a completely normal and healthy response to a situation.
And sometimes it’s a combination of those things AND your parents/caregivers. Think of it this way: when you’re born, aside from your biological temperament and physical/neurological structures, your brain pathways are mostly empty. You haven’t yet recorded any information about what it’s like to be a person with other people in the world. And, in order to keep you safe, your body records this information as quickly as possible, starting the minute you’re born. At that minute, the people you’re mostly around are, you guessed it, your parents. So they make very early and frequent impressions on you about what other people, generally, are like and how they respond to you in various situations. You start to expect certain things from the world around you because that is what you’ve experienced and learned.
That’s a pretty simplified answer, of course. But I think that the more important thing to convey is that these blueprints we receive from our parents/caregivers about the world are not the end all be all! We encounter lots of other people in our lives who we learn from and grow because of. No matter what our childhoods were like, there’s always the possibility of cultivating healing, authenticity, and connection. Seriously. That’s the magic of relational therapy! When you start to have a new kind of relationship, you start to expect different things from the world.
2. Do you feel all the anxious, scary, sad, hurt, angry things that I feel?
The short answer is: yes. The longer answer is: As a therapist, I feel lots of things alongside my clients, but it’s not always the same as if I were feeling them myself. I’m an empathetic person (most therapists are!), and the more connected I am with a client (meaning: the longer and more intimately I know them), the more intensely I feel what my clients bring into sessions. But, of course, I’m not feeling exactly the same thing, since I’m a separate person and have my own history/experiences/identity/etc. that inform the way I feel things. There’s always the possibility that what I’m feeling is off the mark somehow. There’s the chance that I could get it wrong. That’s where the connection and ability to talk about our relationship becomes really important.
3. Do you have to have a poker face?
Yes, but not for the reasons you might assume. Sometimes I try to keep my expression neutral, but it’s not because I’m trying to hide my disgust or judgment. Usually, if I feel a strong pull to express something reactive, I recognize that it’s my own stuff. There are times when that information can be useful to share with my clients, but also times when it would distract from the work we’re doing. So I make decisions (as we all do in conversation) about what to share and what to keep to myself.
4. Do you get sick of watching people cry all the time?
For me, it’s not people crying that makes me feel overwhelmed or burned out. Being a therapist can be a hard job, and sometimes I feel tired or less deeply capable of holding space, but that’s not because folx are crying—it’s because the world is unjust and systems are deeply entrenched and sometimes people are jerks to my clients and I feel protective of them! The more you connect with others, the more you connect with the underlying pain and disconnection in our communities, and that can be very exhausting. In general, when clients cry I feel really connected with them because we’re very much in the same, present moment—and that’s the good stuff of connection.
Get Connected
Interested in exploring relational therapy at Kindman & Co.? Get in touch via our contact page and ask all the questions. We’ll answer you.
Anna Kim is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, a writer, and an adventurer. Anna works with individuals, intimate relationships, families, and groups to support growth and change. She is especially interested in grief & loss, identity & authenticity, and attachment, but appreciates all the infinite, complicated parts of being alive.
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THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.
We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, support for artists /creative types, therapy for teens & young adults, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and therapy for therapists. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.