On Valentine’s Day
I’ll be honest, Valentine’s Day usually brings up memories of last-minute panicking to make sure I had Valentine’s cards and candy hearts to bring to all my elementary school classmates. It felt contrived and stressful, and I wonder if this is partly why I usually avoid celebrating Valentine’s Day. This year, I accidentally bought tickets to a show on February 14th for my partner and me and I’m looking forward to doing something out of my ordinary. In the same spirit, here are some thoughts from a therapist on 5 ways to honor love and romance this Valentine’s Day.
Date Yourself to promote self-worth
Valentine’s Day can play into a widespread narrative that we are better off (i.e. more complete, more valid, more lovable, etc.) if we are coupled up with another. Cooking yourself a lovingly prepared meal, taking yourself on a romantic sunset walk, and journaling about the most intimate desires of your heart can help counteract these normative messages that privilege coupledom. You are worth your own loving attention.
Date a friend to feel supported
Much ado is made about romantic partners, but what about our friends? Even therapists can play into privileging family connections and romantic partners over friendship by focusing so much of our attention there. While it’s never the overt intention, this sends the message that family members and romantic partners are the ones who really matter. That needn’t be the case this Valentine’s Day (or any other day!) Friendship bonds are deeply felt, long-lasting, and an integral part of a social support system for all people. Just like romantic relationships, they take time, effort, trust, and vulnerability. In a world where loneliness is an epidemic and the healing effects of social connection are numerous, consider sharing your love for your friends this year.
Be corny to quiet your inner critic
It happens all the time in session, a client stops mid-sentence, suddenly aware that they are about to say something corny or “embarrassing,” an honest expression of something they want and love. Maybe it’s an un-admitted love for Taylor Swift or the terrifying honesty of expressing appreciation for a partner’s care. It’s often the case that our inner critic and our cynical parts work hard to quell our softer sides. Take some time this Valentine’s to amplify those quiet, loving, joyful parts that often get labeled corny, cheesy, or cringe. Write a love poem, give your friends and partner(s) unbidden compliments, and validate your own joyful parts by inviting critical voices to take a break.
Invent or connect to your own traditions to represent you
St. Valentine’s Day is a totally made up tradition rooted in legends of an early Christian martyr who somehow became associated with courtly love and romance during the Middle Ages. Our world is deeply shaped by European and Christian values and stories that can’t reflect the needs and traditions of the awesome diversity of the people in it. Valentine’s Day hardly resonates with me, an actual descendant of those “courtly” Europeans, so why should it carry much significance for anyone? Take the time to re-frame what this formerly Christian holiday could mean to you. Are there traditions from your ancestors that better represent the way you show love in the world? Or maybe it’s time to create new ones. There is room for love in every relationship, every action, and every day.
Love, connection, friendship, romance, pleasure, and joy are worth so much more than a single holiday, and at times it can feel difficult to access them especially when expected to go it alone. If any of these suggestions feel impossible to start or like something you’d like to get deeper into, consider reaching out for relational therapy to help. Starting therapy can also be a great way to bring in more self-love and self-worth this Valentine’s Day.
Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.
Fun facts are that Steve has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!
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