I have always hated picking up the phone and cold calling anybody. Whether it was the time I worked in publicity, soliciting journalists to review my authors, or calling to order a pizza from the place down my street that isn’t even on any of the apps, I clam up. Analysis paralysis sets in, and I start to think, “Do I really need to do this? Do I even know how to do this!?”

The answer is usually, “Yes, I do,” and the same goes for finding a therapist. But calling up a stranger for help is many orders of magnitude more difficult. So if you are on this road with me, congratulations, it’s a huge step! We’re fighting back against unhelpful messages saying you’re supposed to do it all alone. Now what?

Preparing the right questions, and clarifying what we want to get from therapy is helpful in making this important decision, and might make picking up the phone (or crafting that email) a little easier.

be specific

What is going on? No, really, what exactly do you notice happening in your life right now that isn’t working and you want some help with? Your answer might be something like, “I can’t get out of bed and feel angry or numb all the time,” or “I have a good job, but I hate it, and I don’t know what to do,” or “I have a really hard time making friends, and I am tired of feeling lonely,”or “I’m unhappy, and I don’t know why, but something has to change,” or something else entirely. You may only have a loose idea of what needs to change, but clarifying that will go a long way toward finding help when you do reach out.

You are the expert on your own life and finding a therapist is a deeply personal choice. It could help to be very specific about who that is going to be, someone who gets it. Do you feel more comfortable talking to a man, a woman, or someone who is non-binary? Do you want to be in-person at a therapist’s office, or do you really want to find a telehealth therapist so you can get vulnerable from the safety and comfort of your favorite chair?

I know that I immediately feel more comfortable with a therapist who, like me, is queer-identifying. Instantly, I can be more at ease with someone who shares that experience. I also know that I am not interested in rating my moods, completing worksheets, and remembering which cognitive distortions can explain my thoughts, so I know that a CBT therapist is not for me. Knowing what will help you feel comfortable and what feels like a no-go for you will help focus your search.

be curious

In order to find the person who is best suited to help you with your unique needs, it may be important to look far and wide. Perhaps like me, starting with a therapist provided by your insurance could help get your foot in the door. Likely though, there may be many more who are a good fit who are not in-network. Explore directories like Inclusive Therapists and Therapy Den, and read our profiles online.

Learn what your options are when it comes to insurance, you may be able to get some of your session fees reimbursed, even if they are out of network. Having insurance or the resources to pay out of pocket are definitely a privilege, and sometimes it’s just too expensive. You may be able to find a therapist that offers sliding scale fees, or a therapy group which can be much less expensive than individual therapy.

Go ahead and Google around. Is relational therapy something you know about already? What about different approaches to therapy; which ones feel like they are a good fit for you? If a particular method suits you, poke around and see if they have their own directory. 

And when you finally do get to that phone consultation phase, it can be helpful to have questions of your own. Focus on how you feel during the conversation, is this somebody that you can have vulnerable conversations with? Identities you hold might inform that level of comfort, as well as the particular problem you want help with. Consider asking your potential therapist:

• How comfortable and experienced are you with clients who are elders/queer/POC/neurodivergent/creatives/etc?

• I’m feeling really _______, how do you usually approach working with that?

be patient

My first therapist was assigned to me by an Employee Assistance Program that offered six “free” telehealth sessions. I had no idea what therapy was going to be like; I just knew I felt sad on the weekends and numb during the week, and had a hard time explaining anything to my partner. It was an easy first step to start the process, but I didn’t hit my stride in therapy until a few more tries, after I learned what I wanted, what I needed, and what I knew to look for.

A friend once described the process of finding a therapist a bit like dating. After my initial cringing reaction, I had to admit there was some truth to her point. We are all human beings, and therapists represent a huge range of diversity of opinion, identity, and experience. The best predictor of success in therapy is the strength of your relationship with your therapist, so take some time to make sure things feel right.

It can take time to find the right person, and you are not obligated to stay with the first (or second, or third…) therapist that you meet with. On the other hand, relationships take time to develop. If you’ve done the work to finally sit down with someone you’ve found, take a moment to settle in and develop the relationship with your new therapist. If it doesn’t feel right, let them know and see if that conversation brings some clarity about your next move.

a note on credentials

Don’t get too worried about the alphabet soup of credentials when on your search. Different states have different credentials and rules for each license. While they do have shades of difference in training and therapeutic approach, any therapist with the following acronyms after their name is credentialed by the state they are working in to provide psychotherapy:

• LMFT = Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

• LCSW = Licensed Clinical Social Worker

• LPCC = Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

• PsyD/PhD/LP = Usually means Clinical Psychologist

• MD = Medical Doctor/Psychiatrist (notably, these are the only folks who can prescribe medications for you)

An associate therapist (AMFT/APCC/ACSW) like myself is someone who has completed their masters level training, and is working with a licensed supervisor before obtaining their full license. Don’t get too bogged down by what kind of license your therapist has; allow yourself to focus on the relationship. Is this somebody I feel comfortable sharing my most honest self with?

Finding the right therapist is a big step. You don’t have to work through life’s difficulties on your own, in fact we humans do our best healing in connection with each other. If you are interested in working with any of the therapists at Kindman & Co., please reach out.

Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.

Fun facts are that Steve has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!

GET HELP NOW

If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:

1. Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with our Care Coordinator.

2. Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.

Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!

THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.

We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.