Hello children of all ages! This blog is here to serve as a sex re-education of sorts. It’s going to begin to explore how to teach others, and ourselves, about navigating sex without a shame-based perspective. Let me be clear though—sex education is an expansive topic, and we all have the attention span of goldfish, so this will not cover gender exploration, specifics around sexual identity exploration, or the like. It is a starting place to be of service to your inner child or potentially an avenue for you to discuss sex in a new way with children of your own, or the children in your life that you love. Because we all deserve to learn about ourselves and our sexuality with compassion and care.

how society teaches sex 

Many of us, myself included, have been taught about sex through abstinence-based ideologies, we’ve been taught only about heterosexual sex, and we’ve been taught through lenses of fear and shame. A huge aspect in this is growing up in the Puritanical society that is Western America. Even if you were not raised religious, you most likely received messaging around how sex is shameful, scary, and taboo. Many of us learned those messages simply because the adults in our lives never talked about sex! As Esther Perel said in a podcast interview with Patty Olwell, “In the U.S., sex is a risk factor. In Europe, being irresponsible is the risk factor. Sex is natural and part of human development. That’s the fundamental difference of the kind of education we get.” Let this be one of our first lessons: Sex is natural. And let me be so bold as to add to this: 

all of your sex (your kink, your vanilla, your queer, your straight) is natural (as long as it is consensual - more on that below).

If I’m going to talk about shame, you know I have to bring up one of my patron saints, Dr. Brené Brown. This famed shame researcher defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Oof, I know you can feel how easily this can be associated with the messaging around sex. How many of us have had the following thoughts during sex (solo or partnered) that sound like this: “Something must be wrong with me.” “I don’t deserve good sex anyway.” “I’m so messed up that I’m not even worthy of this.” It’s heavy and so difficult to unlearn the messaging of something that was never talked about!

Which leads us to a vital step in re-parenting ourselves around sex: we have to talk about it. Yep! We have to talk about all of the big, messy, mundane, hairy, scary, traumatic, lovely, beautiful, simple, silly, unsatisfactory parts of it. This is because shame needs to be acknowledged and understood before it can be overcome. Shame Resilience Theory (developed by Brené Brown) research suggests that shame is most harmful when it goes unacknowledged and is not spoken of. From Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, she writes, “Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Anyone who grew up in conservative churches can all just collectively raise their hands here to notify that you *get it.*

how to counteract shame 

Good news though! How we are able to counteract shame is through relationships that contain courage, connection, and compassion (also from Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection). By being in these types of relationships, we are able to work towards “empathy, connection, power, and freedom” which are all emotions that can be considered the opposite of shame. This is a *shameless* plug, but a great starter relationship if you’d like to experience empathy, connection, power, or freedom would be a therapeutic relationship. That’s really our bread and butter!

All of this above text is simply acknowledging and understanding shame can be a huge impeding factor in our own sex lives. We lay this groundwork so that we can have empathy for all of those that came before us as they attempted to do their best in teaching folx about sex. Their best was often not good enough and it was also harmful, and I want to hold the both/and here. Sex is just now beginning to be discussed widely. As Ester Perel writes, “We’ve really only been able to explore our sexuality freely since 1965, when the outcome of Griswold v. Connecticut reversed the outlawed use of contraception by “married” couples. This is all still new!

1. Use correct terminology for anatomy and genitalia

   As we traverse and attempt to implore messages around sex that are liberating and rooted in curiosity, rather than fear, it’s important to understand that part of responsible sex education is using correct terminology for anatomy and genitalia. A few months ago, I taught a class for mothers of high schoolers on this subject of shame-free sex education. There were several mothers in there who told me that they could not and would not use anatomically correct language for sexual or reproductive parts. I don’t say this to shame them, I say this because I know how entrenched this messaging is. When we’ve grown up in one way, it takes a lot of work to rewire our brains.

2. Get to know your own body

   So, how can you start now? Start with yourself! Get to know your own body. Use a mirror! This is one of the best exercises from Dr. Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are: the “mirror exercise.” All it entails is taking a handheld mirror and exploring your own genitalia; this feels more important for people with a female system because typically so little is discussed about the vulva. We have to get comfortable with ourselves so that we can convey comfort to others about their parts. At the bottom of this blog, there are some question prompts to help you on this journey towards comfort and understanding.

3. Learning about consent

   Then, let’s move towards how comprehensive sex education will always include consent. These shame-free practices are allowing you and your children (or your friends) to have conversations that will allow them to feel more confident and empowered in their bodies, which leads to their ability to practice good consent.

   The more practice you have talking about sex, desire, relationships, pleasure and your body, the less awkward it will become and the easier it will be to communicate with your partner(s) healthily. I feel as though consent is a practice in mindfulness. What do I need to be mindful of and check in with before I know sex (solo or partnered) is a go?

   Here are a few check-in questions for thorough/enthusiastic consent:

• Mental: what am I thinking?

• Emotional: how am I feeling?

• Physical: how is my body responding?

moving forward in a shame-free way

Overall, this is meant to be a starting point for renegotiating the messages that you may have received about sex and your body. You are allowed to unlearn the harmful messages that were based in fear and shame, and you are allowed to learn the messages based on agency, pleasure, and self-compassion.

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Relationship to Sex to Begin the Journey of Acknowledgment:

• Who taught me about sex?

• What have I called my genitalia in the past? Are there any parts of my reproductive system and/or anatomy that I do not have a name for yet?

• What were some of my toughest lessons learned about sex?

• What was one of my most pleasurable experiences with sex?

• What was one of my least pleasurable experiences with sex?

  • What made it great? The context? The people involved? My ability to direct?

• What is something I’m nervous to tell anyone about regarding sex?

  • What support do I need to a place where I could feel safe enough to talk about these things?

Questions to Ask the Children in Your Life to Begin Conversations of Curiosity:

• When do you feel good in your body?

• What makes your body feel comfy (or safe)?

• Do you know the names of all your body parts? (Be ready for answers!)

• What is something you want to know about your body?

Questions to Ask the Trusted Friends in Your Life to Begin Conversations of Compassion & Understanding:

(Be ready to engage in reciprocal conversation though!)

• Could you tell me about the first time you had sex? What was it like?

• Who taught you about sex? What did you have to learn for yourself?

• What were your first interactions with solo sex?

• Have you ever had a time that sex wasn’t that great? What made it so?

• What would feel great to have normalized about your sex life?

Resources for parents, and non-parents alike:

• Cory Silverberg’s books such as, Sex is a Funny Word; What Makes a Baby; The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability  https://www.corysilverberg.com/books 

• Planned Parenthood’s resources for parents on topics like sex, bodies, identity, personal safety, and reproduction: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents

• Sexual Reflections: A Workbook for Designing and Celebrating Your Sexual Health Plan by Alexandra Katehakis

• ShameLess: A Sexual Reformation by Nadia Bolz-Weber

• Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens by Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster

• It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health  by Robie H. Harris

• Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex by Amy T. Schalet

Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.

Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.

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