On Mother’s Day, Motherless
Every April for the last fourteen years, I emotionally prepare for the onslaught of emails I will inevitably receive nearly continuously for the next month that no longer apply to me.
There's still time: shop Mother's Day gifts she'll use all year long
Heartfelt gift ideas for Mom
Celebrate Mom on this special day and everyday
Psst...mom asked for these gifts!
Mom loves you the most
I can hold now better than I used to that the epic mechanics of capitalism aren’t aiming to emotionally gore me in particular, and can even find some humor in the most desperate of reaches—I guarantee my mom doesn’t need or want an oil change. But still, it stings a little every time an email pops up begging me to buy something to show my love for my mother as if she were here to receive it.
As someone who has lost a parent and a therapist who specializes in grief, I know that for someone with a more recent loss, these stupid little subject lines can be daily, horrifying reminders of a painful, searing wound. For those desperate to avoid triggers related to their loss, there is almost no way to avoid the reminder of Mother’s Day. If it’s not the emails, it’s the chalkboard sidewalk signs, or everyone with their sudden bouquet of flowers; it’s the sudden emergence of what seems like every mom on earth.
And loss is only one kind of pain surrounding mothers. So for anyone feeling something more than uncomplicated, capitalism-satiated love for their mom this year, I put together a list of tips for surviving Mother’s Day.
avoid brunch
Brunch is a classic Mother’s Day venue and I have found it helpful to avoid it altogether. If you can gather up your friends/chosen family/partner/confidant/favorite TV show, make your own breakfast feast at home, and avoid going out to any known brunch spots on this day.
“But still, it stings a little every time an email pops up begging me to buy something to show my love for my mother as if she were here to receive it.”
create your own ritual
Mother’s Day can be about mothers in any way that you choose. You can make it filled with any emotion, and can create any ritual you want. Play your mom’s favorite song and wail until you’re puffy, go do a thing you love and think passingly of your mom, write a letter to whomever (real or imagined), see your mom begrudgingly and then go do something that makes you feel like yourself. Don’t let the narrow world of consumerism make you think flowers or brunch or gratitude are the only way. You can make something beautiful of the day that means something special to you (and your mom, if you want).
find people who get it
If you feel ______ toward your mom, I promise that there is someone else who does too. Maybe your mom isn’t gone like mine, but she’s not been very kind, or maybe she’s complicated or sick, or maybe you’re not sure who she is. Maybe the most mom person to you isn’t related to you at all. Whatever the case, I encourage you to find people who get what it means to have a different and complex relationship with their mom. Maybe you can make new rituals and make breakfast together. It doesn’t solve the mom pain entirely, but I think it helps to not be lonely.
Grief is undulating and holidays that center around a particular pain point certainly don’t make it any easier. But I do think being prepared and intentional can help, year over year, to make these things hurt just a bit less. And the strange this is that with time these things can even change and morph. You may suddenly come into a mom-figure who you like and who needs an oil change—you never know. In the meantime, I’m thinking of you, I see you. You’re not alone.
Anna Kim is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a writer, and an adventurer. Anna works with individuals, intimate relationships, families, and groups to support growth and change. She is especially interested in grief & loss, identity & authenticity, and attachment, but appreciates all the infinite, complicated parts of being alive.
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