On A Beginner’s Guide to Adding Sex Toys to Partnered Sex
Welcome beginners to sex toys!! This blog is meant to be a non-judgemental and cozy invitation for you to begin to explore sex toys with a partner. I’ll go over ways to introduce toys, some things that are not specifically toys that can be helpful, and then a few recommendations at the end to get started!
Let me first note that there is no shame in using toys. There are no dumb questions because curiosity is smart! Because good sex is meant to be play, and what’s play without some toys? If you are looking for a great beginning place, I recommend introducing something that all parties can enjoy.
how to introduce sex toys with your partner
To introduce something to sex, I typically encourage the partners that I work with to go through a “Yes, No, Maybe” list. This is a list of sexual additions and possible kinky exercises, in which each partner can go through the list and circle “Y, N, M” on how interested they are. Then, compare with your partner, and see where those yes’s overlap! Sex with Emily has a downloadable guide to help support you to have this conversation.
Once you’ve decided which direction you’d want to go in, begin with a toy that will allow you to explore and be playful. Playing together is when you go into a sexual experience with the understanding that pleasure is the focus, not orgasms. Pleasure means paying attention to your partner and noticing how they are breathing, if they are smiling, and if they are showing additional signs that they are interested in the activity. Side note– couples therapy can be a great place to learn, or relearn, the physical tells that your partner is interested or finding pleasure in something.
playful sex: stay curious and check in with yourself & your partner
I always like to remind folks that sex is a marathon, not a race! It would be weird if you were born knowing how to have amazing sex, and that’s why it’s cool to be an adult, capable of consensual choices, and the ability to stay curious!
Be mindful to take breaks and check in with how the activity is going. Feel free to change positions, light a candle, adjust your clothes, or wiggle around outside of the bed. And of course, allow for laughter throughout! Playing is not serious! When we are able to laugh, it’s a sign that we are not in danger or threat. This is good, we want those nervous systems as regulated as possible when trying new things.
enjoy massage for connection & building awareness
A massage is a great way to get closer and more connected, as well as increasing awareness of what areas of your partner’s body are more sensitive than others. I love the Maude Soy Massage Oil Candle. Sexy and functional! Maude also has a wonderful lube that looks like an Aesop bottle on your nightstand. Always use lube with toys for easier play, and make sure that your toys are able to be used with silicone based lubricants!
therapist approved sex toy recommendations
And lastly, here are a few sex toy recommendations:
An external vibrator can be utilized during foreplay as well as during penetrative intercourse. It can be used for additional shaft and tip stimulation to assist with blood flow. For that, I recommend the LELO SONA™ 2 Cruise, or for those on a budget, The Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 3. Both models are waterproof, so try in the tub or shower for extra fun!
And, I would be remiss not to include the standby, the Classic Rabbit Vibrator, for its multi use and one touch handle. It can be used solo, or with a partner.
For internal stimulation, you could look to a vibrating dildo, or G-Spot stimulator, like the Arc from Dame. Or a prostate massager, such as the LELO’s Hugo Remote Controlled Prostate Massager is fun and could lend itself to assist with conversations around submissive/dominant roles. Handing over the controls to your partner requires consent, trust, and understanding when there needs to be a time out.
You could also start smaller, with something like Maude’s Small Cone Plug
Let’s also remember that toys can include props and furniture. For increased support and ability to receive deeper penetration, I recommend a wedge pillow, such as the Dame Pillo.
The Blossom, or the rose as some refer to it, is helpful for clitoral or nipple stimulation. And cute to boot!
Girls Get Off is another great place to start the hunt for accessories! Their stance on pleasure empowerment is designed to have you feeling confident and supported through it all.
Lastly, it’s great to note that there are products available to help with possible pain with sex. I highly recommend the OhNut if you are a vulva user who is experiencing pain with penetration.
I hope this was helpful for you, because sex is supposed to be fun, playful, and full of possibilities for you to explore desire and pleasure. It’s okay to go slowly! You’ve got this!
Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.
Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.
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