On the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, Part 2

women with their hands up in a sunflower field

Alright, so if you’re just jumping in– The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (TSLOMW) has taken over pop culture and with it, there has been plenty of discourse about Mormonism and the personal lives of the cast of moms that are featured in the show. I have definitely got caught up in it. I consumed the first season in one sitting and now my social media algorithm is full of these Mormon moms. But I’m not complaining, I’m fascinated. I have a focus of religious trauma in my work as a therapist, and so I’m particularly intrigued by how these women are portraying being part of religion. 

In my first blog on the subject, I covered the show's attempts to find feminism within a patriarchal institution and the fascination of loopholes within religious guidelines. In this post, I will be discussing the inherent hierarchy of power dynamics and comparison politics when in a binary based religion, as well as beauty standards that are depicted in the show.

binary thinking of structured religion

Saints versus Sinners

In episode 3 of TSLOMW, the focus of the plot was around the group divide which appears to be centered around the comparison of who is wrong versus right in the eyes of the religion. In one scene, Jen is celebrating her husband’s Zac, who just graduated from medical school with a soda party (because remember, alcohol is against their religion). But later in the evening, Jessi and her husband break out a flask of alcohol and a few of the women take sips. This is a polarizing event, with many who choose to abstain from alcohol seeing this as a rude action as well as a point of contention as they feel more “devout’ comparatively.

This leads to only a few members of the group getting invited to Jen’s baby blessing, and it is those who appear to be “more religious”. Those not invited go out bowling and discuss how it’s apparent that they are the “Sinners” while the others are the “Saints”. As someone who grew up in religion, I resonated with this. I have always felt like there is a hierarchy in religion and resonate with the ways that members of institutional organizations are told, explicitly and not, how to “grow” in the church.

For example, I think about the testimonial issue that I am familiar with. In Christianity, it is common to have people share their testimony–a.k.a. the story of how and when their life intersected with God and they learned how to become the person they are today. This could be a positive or motivational story, however, something happened with the evangelicalism of it all and these stories were often told through the lens of fear, shame, and so sensationalized that they could have been a Ryan Murphy special.

woman, with eyes closed, praying

good versus bad

The premise typically told of the person at their rock bottom, describing in detail all the ways that they were “sinning”. A lot of these testimonials got told to church youth and/or high schoolers as a way to “scare straight”-- describing the consequences and effects of drugs, sex, and rock and roll. But then, when all hope was lost, God would enter their life and bring them back. Then, life was easy, full of riches, and community. In my upbringing, and I have heard this sentiment echoed from clients who grew up similarly, it was a very straightforward message: “without God, you are bad and with God and the church, you are good.” This binary got to be enforced through the ways that the audience of someone’s testimonial would often be in a position of self-criticism if they had partaken in any of the “before” parts of the story. 

Through comparison, it is easy to get wrapped up in the narrow narratives of “people who do X are good while people who do Y are bad.” There is an oversimplification in the binary and comparison of these parts. And as seen in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, there is currency in “goodness”. When you’re “good” (fill in: obedient, devout, pure, etc. for “good”), then you get invited to special parties. When you’re “bad” (fill in: makes mistakes, is imperfect, is misunderstanding, etc.,) then you have to accept that you’re separate from others. Although a quick scene or two in this dumb show (said with love; I love dumb shows), I was reminded of how binding these separations can feel. I’ve had clients talk about how a quick character judgment of them as children through this religious lens followed them throughout adulthood, making them feel like there was no reason to try to “be good” because they were already seen as the “bad” one. Overall, no one wins with this comparison and power hierarchy. As the show showed us, there will always be a fight for Queen Bee. There is too much gray in us all. 

Beauty Standards & perfectionism in structured religion

Is it because of Mormonism or is it because of them being content creators on Tik Tok that all of these women featured on the show are beautiful, depicting White Supremacist beauty ideals? Probably both. But, I do think it's important to have a conversation about beauty standards and church. It brought me to thoughts around perfectionism– a symptom of White Supremacy and a concept that drives a lot of rigidity around what is acceptable in terms of beauty, among other ways of living life. 

Meredith J. Gross’s research, High Expectations: The Impact of Perfectionism and Religiosity on Female Body Image (2014), looks into how the intersections of perfectionism, religiosity, and body image all correlate to typically negative impacts, particularly for women. In one such finding, she describes how “the concept of the human body as a ‘temple’ relates to this understanding. Such an approach to one’s relationship with religion and the body could lead to guilt, asceticism, and self-denial” (Boyatzis & Quinlan, 2008).

close up of woman eye makeup

Findings from an Ashby and Huffman (1999) article showed, “the higher the level of religiosity, the higher the level of adaptive perfectionism that a person would exhibit. Adaptive perfectionism is a way to describe high personal standards.“ I can certainly resonate with these findings on a personal level. In my own experience, it was difficult to separate my own body image from how I was made to believe that my body was only for my future husband. It seemed important to maintain certain beauty standards and purity expectations (which included modestly dressing), so that I was seen as more pure, beautiful, and wanted.

While watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, the emphasis on plastic surgery, constant hair changes (mostly thanks to Jessi’s hair salon), and clothing appeared to perpetuate the importance of beauty standards and presenting oneself in a certain way. It was difficult to see how this was only for the sake of these women’s desires, when there was constant focus on pleasing husbands and conversations around being “good/bad” in the eyes of the church. Since this is for television, it also feels impossible to separate all of the women’s physical presentations and how they are engaging with religion. What I mean by that is that they are, for the sake of entertainment, discussing their religion while in matching sweatsuits, with perfectly done hair and makeup, with all of their bits all taken care of. The audience is automatically going to connect beauty with their overall messages—whether that’s feminism, religion, or relationships.

In conclusion, this show brought up a lot for me, both personally as someone raised in religion and as someone who works professionally in the religious trauma world. And in an effort to not continue the rigid and limiting binaries often depicted in religious institutions, let me explicitly acknowledge that I know that this show is not the end all/ be all for depicting modern Mormon women. I know that there are a plethora of Mormon stories out there and this show has overall made me curious to know more and understand what my own assumptions are. And if you’re reading this and also felt some curiosity about how the ways you were raised in religious settings might have impacted you, please reach out. There are so many more therapists getting into the space of helping those impacted by religious trauma and are wanting to meet you where you are, in terms of deconstructing from limiting viewpoints and helping you to find the most authentic version of you. You’re not alone, and if any of the The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives cast happen to be reading this: hit your girl up, I’d love to be your therapist.


therapist sitting in chair

Caitlin Harrison is a LicensedMarriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.


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