On Why We Need Anger & What We Can Learn From Feeling Angry
I don’t know about you, but anger has always been a tricky emotion for me to navigate.
I was raised by a single mom, with help from my grandparents and other extended family members, and my early experiences with anger were a mixed bag. My often-overwhelmed mom would yell or storm out when she got mad, which happened with some frequency. Her anger would always dissipate as quickly as it arrived, and by the next day it was as if nothing had ever happened. My grandfather, a seemingly infinite fountain of kindness, warmth and stoicism, didn’t ever seem to get angry. I loved that about him and wanted to be just like him when I grew up.
“When we fail to acknowledge our anger—when we stuff it down or don’t allow ourselves to feel it because we’re scared of it, we abandon a vital part of ourselves”
Because healthy expressions of anger weren’t modeled for the kid version of me, things didn’t work out too well when I got angry myself. I was bullied quite a bit in elementary school--because I was an immigrant kid, there was always something to pick on. Of course, this brought up anger, and I often retaliated physically by getting into fights that would land me in the principal’s office. My mom tried to help me channel my anger into something positive by signing me up for Karate classes. The structure, discipline, and physicality of these classes certainly helped, but still didn’t teach me what anger was all about.
Based on my inferences from that time, I learned that being angry was bad. It made people feel scared, uncomfortable, and could lead to acts of aggression and violence. If you were angry, I thought, you could punch something and feel better. This kind of anger was not something I needed—No, thanks! Not for me.
why we need anger
These days, as I sit across from my clients, I often find that what they learned about anger is something similar: anger is a ‘bad’ emotion; anger IS aggression; anger hurts people, ends relationships, and causes destruction. Many a therapy session has been spent holding space for my clients’ anger: inviting it forward, and searching for the hidden wisdom within.
When we begin to deconstruct our beliefs about anger and start to feel into what it is telling us, we find that it is actually an incredibly important and useful emotion. Anger tells us that something isn’t right—that something we value is at risk. Anger is an energizing emotion that springs us into action in order to protect what is dear to us.
When we fail to acknowledge our anger—when we stuff it down or don’t allow ourselves to feel it because we’re scared of it, we abandon a vital part of ourselves. We risk developing resentment toward those we love, becoming depressed, or even physically ill as our internal organs absorb the energy of the emotion. As a therapist, I often find myself feeling into my clients’ anger before they do. I notice my jaw getting tense and beginning to clench, my shoulders and forearms tightening, and my hands folding into fists. When I notice this response in my body, I share it with my clients and invite them to notice what is happening in their own bodies. By feeling into our embodiment, we can begin to learn to interpret what our body is saying about the impact of our environment.
moving from anger into action
As a man dedicated to reducing the harms of toxic masculinity, anger continues to be a tricky emotion to navigate. As someone who values kindness, warmth, respect, and inclusion, I’m sensitive to abusing my many intersections of privilege. By learning about the power and wisdom in my anger, I have discovered that it is an indispensable part of me—it reminds me about my values, big and small! When I see the news of yet another unarmed black man getting murdered by police, my anger directs me toward taking action by marching in the streets and demanding institutional change. When my loving partner says or does something unintentionally hurtful, my anger is an invitation to set a boundary by telling her that I didn’t like that and encouragement to ask for what I need. When I don’t get something that I think I deserve, my anger is an invitation to be more curious about my privilege.
Despite all of my work on this, I am human. I still miss opportunities to notice what my anger is telling me in the moment. I revert to stuffing it, laughing off small hurts, and not trusting my gut. Despite my imperfection, I am dedicated to developing a good relationship with my anger.
I invite you to join me.
Paul Kindman is a licensed marriage and family therapist, who is particularly interested in exploring the harms of traditional stories of masculinity and cultivating new, fuller versions of masculinity that adopt a feminist stance and invite more authenticity. In this vein, he is especially passionate about working with male-identified clients and couples who are interested in deconstructing gender norms, deepening their emotional experience(s), and building more vulnerability and intimacy in their relationships. He is also excited to work with individuals and partners navigating experiences of immigration and acculturation, as well as other therapists and helping professionals who are building their careers and wanting to bring social awareness more into their work.
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