On Sex Therapy: What It Looks Like & Why It’s Good for Individuals Too
Because I am a therapist with a focus of sex therapy, I field a lot of questions regarding the “why” and the “what”. As in, why do people go to therapy to talk about sex and what do people talk about when they talk about sex in therapy? This blog will expand on both by including some reasons folx choose sex therapy in individual work, questions to prompt self-reflection, and will provide insight as to what sex therapy can be like. As sex therapy is such a big topic, it will be divided into two parts: look out for a part two covering couples/partners pursuing sex therapy!
do i need sex therapy? here are some reasons individuals go to sex therapy
As an individual, there might be some hesitancy around going to therapy specifically to talk about and work through sex. Sex effects so much, and often, there is shame around sexual thoughts, sexual functioning, and solo sex. Talking with someone who is not in your circle of people can provide insight, normalize that you’re not alone in how you think and feel, and relieve the burden of living with shame around sex.
Another reason folx pursue sex therapy is a real lack of resources and/or challenges knowing where to seek information. It’s 2021 and the internet still doesn’t feel like an efficient way to figure out how to have better sex, how to masturbate, how to embrace being comfortable in your body, etc. This is because while people have many shared experiences being in bodies living on this earth, there are things that are true uniquely for you. Your story, perspective, and feelings directly matter how you navigate sex.
And although it’s not always part of the narrative, past trauma plays a big part into how we are able to access sex and pleasure. What Bessel van der Kolk says is true, the body keeps the score. When physical, emotional, cultural, verbal, racial, mental, and/or institutional trauma occurs, our body remembers the pain and message received. Since sex--both partnered and solo--is an activity that involves the ability to let go in order to achieve pleasure, there can be significant challenges when we do not feel safe in our own bodies. Trauma has likely taught us to protect ourselves against danger or letting go, which directly impacts sex.
questions to ask yourself to decide if individual sex therapy is right for you
The following questions are to assist you in self-reflection. They are meant to help cultivate a space for you to see how well you know your body, sexuality, and intimacy. There are no wrong answers, this is simply a space to be curious and pay attention to what comes up emotionally and in your body.
Do I think about my body and how it looks as a determining factor regarding whether or not I deserve good sex?
Is it difficult to name what I want when I am having sex with a partner(s)?
Do I know what feels good when I am having sex with myself?
How much do I know about sex that isn’t based on what my parents or the culture I grew up in have told me?
What am I nervous to talk about when my friends and I talk about sex?
Have there been times when I wanted to have sex but my body did not allow me to?
What does it look like for me to stay present during sex?
what does sex therapy look like?
The goal of sex therapy is to assist folx in healing from physical and emotional challenges in order to access a more pleasurable relationship with their bodies and with sex itself. Shame lifting involves digging into the past narratives that we learned regarding what sex is, what sex means, what your body is expected to be, and what it means when things don’t “work.” A fair amount of this is what I referred to as trauma—memories, pieces of information, misunderstandings, and more bits that are stored as shame. Talk therapy is great at slowly working to bring shameful narratives to light, examining how untrue they are to your personhood, and gently challenging them with self-compassion and stories of worthiness.
Once we name whose voices have shaped how you view sex, it is important to define what pleasure and intimacy look and feel like for you. In embracing pleasure, we must first embrace our bodies. This is called embodiment work which connects the mind and body—I want to help you notice and feel where emotions come up for you in your body. Embracing your body builds more insight into yourself and an opportunity for empowerment. Being connected to your experience encourages a connection to your wants, desires, and curiosities. This is where pleasure is found.
Our culture works really hard to make living a fulfilling life challenging, which includes how we are able to access pleasure. Pleasure may feel undeserved or selfish, but my friends, it most certainly is not. Our bodies were meant to experience pleasure and to incorporate regular time for curiosity, play, and care. So, you and I will get into the juicy bits—how do you know you’re turned on? What comes alive when it’s touched? What does the embrace of certain body parts allow you to feel? How can you incorporate toys or fetishes into your sex life? (Don’t worry, we will have established thorough rapport before this point! Emotional safety is essential.)
why you should talk about sex in individual therapy
Therapy is your space. A safe space for you to explore and find empowerment with some guidance, direction, and unconditional positive regard. Therapy is a space for you to increasingly discover yourself--all of the things that turn you on, make you feel connected, and help you to be your most excited, vibrant self.
I hope that this blog gave you some space for self-reflection, insight into what to expect in sex therapy, and helped you to see why sex therapy isn’t just for couples--you should bring it into your individual therapy. In healing the past and creating hope, we are able to come home to ourselves and our bodies. And hey, coming home can sometimes feel a lot like cumming home.
Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, womxn’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.
Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.
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