On Secure Functioning
As a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, I often find myself talking with couples about secure functioning. What is secure functioning, you ask? Well, if you’d like to find out, you’ve come to the right place. This post is all about secure functioning: what it is, what it entails, and why it’s a great goal for all committed couples. We’ll start with a brief definition and then explore what it looks like in the real world.
In brief, secure functioning refers to a relationship dynamic where both partners prioritize the health and security of their relationship above all else. It emphasizes mutual commitment, safety, and trust, creating a strong foundation for intimacy and resilience. PACT sees secure functioning as essential for long-term relationship success, helping couples navigate challenges, deepen emotional intimacy, and maintain a strong, stable bond.
What follows is a list of nine key elements of secure functioning. It is natural to have strong reactions to some of these, so I invite you to notice what comes up for you as you read on.
1. Secure functioning couples put the relationship first, above all other interests.
This element of secure functioning can be a bit provocative at first. “You expect me to put my relationship first?? Even above my family? My children?? My job?” Simply put, yes. Putting the relationship first doesn’t mean foregoing all other priorities, but it does mean that for both partners to feel truly stable, they must know—and more importantly, feel—that their partner prioritizes caring for their relationship above other tasks (including substances, hobbies, and, for many of us, those pesky iPhones).
2. Secure functioning couples are fully transparent with one another.
Another provocative one! Yes, secure couples have nothing to hide from one another. Does that mean that they read every email or text message, share every password, or say aloud every single thought they’ve ever had? Of course not. However, if asked by their partner, they have no issue revealing any bit of information. The reason is this: the less we have to hide, the more secure we feel.
3. Secure functioning couples treat one another in a manner that is fair, just, and sensitive.
This one is very important and often the subject of many disagreements. What is considered fair, just, and sensitive? This is for the couple to decide together. The most important part is that the experience is mutual—that both partners come to an understanding of what feels fair and just for both. Couple therapy is a great place to engage in this type of discussion. Committing to this means a promise to uphold mutual fairness and address any imbalance or inequity in the relationship constructively.
4. Secure functioning couples share equal power and authority with one another.
Another one about mutuality—you might be noticing a theme here! For a relationship to feel stable, partners must have an equal stake in decision-making. This must happen regardless of income level, age, gender, or any other difference between the partners. When partners fail to share power and authority equally, resentments can build, and power struggles can ensue. A reminder: equal power does not necessarily mean that every micro-decision needs to be made in unison, as long as the agreement about who decides what is made together.
5. Secure functioning couples repair misunderstandings and injuries quickly and effectively (within 30 minutes).
I can tell you from personal experience that this one can be really hard. For many of us, moving toward our partner when we are angry with them (or have just been hurt by them) is the last thing we want to do. Yet couples who value security in their relationship work to override our biological impulse to seek safety away from the “threat” and use the strategies they’ve agreed upon to engage in repair together. The shorter the time spent in threat mode, the less gets stored away in long-term memory. Quick repair is one of the most challenging and rewarding skills for couples—and one that takes plenty of practice.
6. Secure functioning couples are experts on one another. They are each other’s “whisperer.”
Partners who prioritize learning about and continuously developing their understanding of their partner’s internal world find more success in long-term relationships. This is especially important when it comes to understanding how to help your partner shift their emotional states (e.g., helping your partner move from a state of anger or anxiety to a calmer state). In PACT couple therapy, partners learn how to foreshorten each other’s negative states and build upon each other’s positive states by practicing in real time with the help of a supportive clinician.
7. Secure functioning couples are good at brokering win/win solutions.
If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you know that brokering a win/win can often feel out of reach. Arguments are often framed in terms of winners and losers. Couples who work on developing their negotiating skills can create an environment in which they focus on “sweetening the pot” for one another so that no one ends up feeling like they’re on the losing end of an agreement. The key here is this: both partners must realize that if one of them “loses,” they both lose.
8. Secure functioning couples pay close attention to one another’s facial, vocal, and body cues in a helpful manner.
Paying close attention to one another in a way that is helpful is often called “attunement.” Attunement is what helps therapists be effective helpers to their clients—and it is a skill that partners are well-served by learning and developing. Partners who are attuned to one another work better in unison, attending to each other’s emotional needs as they navigate challenges or joys.
9. Secure functioning couples protect each other in public and private at all times. They have each other’s back.
Protecting one another is a key benefit of being in a committed relationship, yet many partners run into trouble when they seem to side with someone else against their partner or throw their partner under the bus (so to speak) in public. Having each other’s back is a key tenet of secure functioning, and partners are encouraged to develop a practice of protecting one another in this way. This means refraining from insulting, blaming, or belittling your partner, whether you’re alone or with company. Your partner will benefit from knowing that you have their back—and guess what? What’s good for your partner is good for you.
Couples who prioritize building relationships based on secure functioning principles—such as emphasizing trust, mutual respect, and shared goals—report more satisfying and connected lives together. Working with a PACT therapist at Kindman & Co. is a great way to begin to shore up the security of your relationship. I hope you’ve found this post useful! Please don’t hesitate to reach out when you’re ready to take your relationship in a more secure direction. We’re here for you!
Paul Kindman, LMFT is an immigrant, refugee and acculturated American. He loves working with couples, partners and multicultural relationships who are navigating unique challenges of honoring many belief systems and traditions within relationships and families.
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