Validation, by definition, means, “the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.” If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve probably heard your therapist say something to the effect of, “Your feelings are valid.” That’s because they are! Think of how you feel when someone tells you that your feelings make sense and are perfectly acceptable and understandable--you probably feel seen, heard, and understood. Showing your partner that you understand and accept their thoughts and feelings helps your partner feel less upset and vulnerable; whereas, invalidation has the opposite effect and can make whoever you’re speaking to feel criticized, dismissed, or misunderstood. 

why is it important to validate others’ feelings?

When we practice validation, we’re letting someone know that their internal experience and feelings are understandable and we’re communicating that they are okay to feel. Offering validation is layered--it usually includes identifying the emotion and giving a reason for the emotion, helping that person come to believe that the way they’re feeling is valid. 

Validation is especially key when you’re arguing with a friend or loved one. When you slow down and take a minute to consider and validate how the other person is  feeling, you can more quickly deescalate arguments because it helps the other person to  feel seen, heard, and understood. You’re telling them that you believe their perspective is equally as important as your own and that tends to feel good! To be clear, validation does not necessarily mean agreeing; by validating someone else’s experience you’re not invalidating your own--two people can be having different experiences and they’re both completely valid. 

so how do we practice validation?

I’ll lay this out for you in a few clear steps.

1. The best place to start is by being in the present moment and listening. Often when we’re having conversations with others, it’s easy to get stuck thinking about what we’re going to say next, which means we’re not truly listening to what the other person is saying. 

2. Next up is to name what emotion you are imagining is coming up for them. Are they angry? Sad? Conflicted? Excited? Examples of this might be, “I’m hearing that you’re frustrated.” or “It seems like you’re really upset by this.” 

   You definitely want to check in and make sure you’re not misunderstanding or projecting your feelings onto them throughout this process. This might look like, “It sounds like you’re really angry about this, is that right?” or  “Am I right in thinking that you’re stressed out right now?” 

3. Then you can offer justification for their feeling, to show them you understand why they’re feeling this way — “It sounds like you’re really frustrated by me leaving home without taking the dog out first, is that right? I can see how it would be frustrating to feel like I’m not considering you.”  If you want to level up, you can put their feeling into context by connecting it to their life experiences — “It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling upset by him saying that, it might even remind you of what your brother used to say to get under your skin.”

   This works on good feelings too, by the way — “Of course you’re proud of yourself, you’ve been working so hard for so long and it has finally paid off! I’d be proud, too.” So go ahead and celebrate the people you love by offering them some yummy validation for what’s going well!

This might sound exceedingly simple, but it’s easy for it to get lost and forgotten, especially when feelings are heightened. Often, without meaning to, we go into problem-solving mode or we get defensive and try to explain our perspective before we acknowledge what our partner is feeling. Next time you notice this happening in one of your relationships, try taking a few deep breaths and opening your response by validating their emotions before getting into your reply. You might be surprised at how things change!  

Courtney Rago is an empath, a critical thinker, a creative, and a questioner. They help creative individuals to get to know and celebrate all parts of themselves and their talents. They are passionate about supporting families and partners to build healthy relationships and feel more nourished by their intimate connections. Courtney firmly believes that we have the power to rewrite who society tells us we “should” be, challenging the status quo, and radically celebrating ourselves as an act of resistance. At heart, Courtney is a Jersey kid who talks fast, walks fast, drinks too much coffee, and reallyyyy misses Yankee games and NY bagels.

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