On Things You Shouldn't Do in a Relationship
The world knows that communication is key for couples. It’s also very common for partners to seek couples or relationship therapy to specifically work on communication. So, we asked our therapists to share some common examples of bad communication, and what they would recommend in that situation instead.
1. “you make me feel this. you did x, and it made me feel y.”
In any type of relationship, "I statements" are key! If people are already feeling in a defensive state, starting a sentence with "you" is never a good way to go. Instead try, "when x happened, I felt y".
2. looking away from your partner when they are sharing something vulnerable (or sharing in general)
If your couple's therapist makes you face your partner instead of the therapist, it's because they are trying to reinforce the importance of how to talk to your partner. If eye contact is something you struggle with, even shifting your body toward your partner is helpful when communicating.
3. unchecked emotions
Bad communication often spawns from your own unchecked emotions. For example, when people feel resentment towards their partner, they are actually feeling jealousy of some sort.
So, looking inward before communicating can be helpful. Be curious: Am I jealous of my partner's free time? Am I jealous of my partner's quality time with the kids? Am I jealous of my partner's job? All of this insight can help you communicate more clearly-- "I'm feeling (jealous, angry, limited, etc.) and realizing I need more (time for myself, praise for my job, family time, etc.)."
4. “we never fight.”
The first one that comes to mind is the communication that can be inspired by the "we never fight" mindset. When you're so focused on always agreeing with your partner (or on proving to others that you do), you're discouraged from being truthful when you don't. Raising even a small issue that's coming up for you has higher stakes all of a sudden. It feels threatening to this relationship predicated on perpetual agreement. In that situation, I would recommend practicing small disagreements. The more comfortable you get admitting and processing the small things, the easier it can be in time to navigate the bigger ones.
5. dismissing jealousy
For example, if partner one has a close friend that inspires jealousy in partner two, partner one could be led to largely ignore the issue out of annoyance and partner two could be led to downplay their feelings to guard against that annoyance.
While both responses make sense in context, they don't really make space for the couple to be honest about how they feel. I would recommend setting aside some time to directly (and safely) address that jealousy and the emotions surrounding it without jumping to problem-solving. Sometimes, we're so quick to "get over" a certain issue that we push past how it makes us feel. And as hard as we may try, ignoring emotions doesn't make them go away.
6. reacting with hurt and defensiveness, instead of connection and cooperation
When working with couples, I like to make sure that we’re aiming toward resolving conflict through connection and cooperation, rather than hurt and defensiveness. One sign that the conversation has turned away from connection is when someone forgets to include themself in the picture. Words like “you always…” or “you’re not doing…” or “why can’t you just…” are a signal that connection is lost and resentment is creeping in. Take a step back and consider where you are in relationship to the request or complaint you want to make. To do this I like to use a phrase I borrowed from Brené Brown, “The story I’m telling myself is…”. So instead of “You always expect me to do all the dishes every night!” try “The story I’m telling myself is that I’m expected to do all the dishes.” Each phrase is getting at the same point, but one communicates your complaint with a push, the other with an invitation. Try to invite your partner to explore your complaint with you, rather than defend their position.
7. rushing conflict resolution
Conflict with your partner is hard. Mending hurt and growing together require a good deal of discomfort and big emotions. Sometimes it’s important to take a moment to rest, breathe, and regulate yourself. Often one partner will need to take space to digest and calm down before moving on with the conversation. This is a great strategy! But don’t forget to consider how this may feel to your partner who really wants to engage, and feels worried you might be disappearing on them. “I need a break, let’s table this conversation,” is a good start, but can leave your partner in the lurch. Until when? Don’t leave them stressing about if or when the conversation will continue. “I need a break. Can we take 15 minutes to cool off then check in again?” helps your partner understand that you want some time, they also get the benefit of understanding that you’ll come back to them, and this isn’t an attempt to run away.
a few other resources…
Here are a few other resources!
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