In a world where relationships have become increasingly transient and digital, finding genuine and lasting connections can feel like an uphill battle. This may make you wonder if there is an answer for how to build strong and fulfilling relationships? Enter the concept of earned secure attachment – a psychological framework that dives deep into the heart of human connection and provides a roadmap to lifelong happiness.

Research shows that individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have greater emotional well-being and more intimacy and trust in their relationships. But what about those who have struggled with attachment trauma and insecure attachment in their past? This is where earned secure attachment comes into play. By understanding the context that has shaped your attachment style, you can work towards developing a secure foundation for your relationships moving forward.

In this article, we will explore the power of earned secure attachment and how it can transform your connections and lead to increased relationship satisfaction. We'll delve into the science of attachment theory and explore strategies to begin to cultivate a more secure attachment style. Get ready to unlock the power of earned secure attachment and move towards more satisfying and fulfilling relationships!

what is attachment theory? Understanding attachment styles

Attachment styles are the relational styles we develop and their related behaviors that are shaped in early childhood based on our interactions with caregivers. We like to think of these as blueprints for how we love, how we trust, and what insecurities we have that can arise in loving relationships. These styles, which include secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure-anxious, and disorganized attachment, shape how we perceive and navigate relationships throughout our lives.

A secure attachment style represents having trust, emotional availability, and a general sense of safety in relationships. Folks with secure attachment are more likely to have fulfilling connections with others and are open to their own vulnerability and emotions. On the other hand, insecure attachment styles often means experiencing challenges forming and maintaining nourishing relationships and can be more susceptible to feeling insecure or threatened by relationship conflict.

The hope of secure attachment

Having a secure attachment style is an essential support for overall well-being and relationship satisfaction. Research has consistently shown that individuals with secure attachments experience less overall stress, higher self-esteem, and better mental health outcomes. They also tend to have more successful romantic relationships and are more likely to have a secure attachment style in how they parent their own children.

Securely attached individuals tend to have a greater capacity for emotional regulation, empathy, and effective communication. They are able to trust and rely on others, as well as form and maintain healthy boundaries. Secure attachment acts as a protective factor against the negative effects of stress and adversity, contributing to resilience and overall life satisfaction.

The impact of insecure attachment styles

In contrast, insecure attachment styles can contribute to relationship distress, conflict, and mistrust. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style (who we refer to as “Islands” in Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT)) are often characterized by having a fear of intimacy and a tendency to remain more emotionally distant in close relationships. Islands often feel discomfort or threatened by intimacy--folks with this style may struggle with expressing emotions and may distance from others, since closeness and relationship intimacy provokes fears of being smothered or losing parts of themself and their autonomy.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style (who we refer to as “Waves” in PACT), tend to feel afraid of being abandoned or of losing a relationship. People with this attachment style are often preoccupied by their relationships, seeking frequent validation and reassurance from their partners to help them feel secure and decrease their distress. Waves also experience frequent feelings of disatisfaction in their relationships and may highlight areas in their partnership where they feel their relational needs have not been met. As a result, Waves may exhibit clingy and/or controlling behaviors, which can strain relationships and unintentionally reinforces fears and feelings of anxiety.

Disorganized attachment, the fourth attachment style, is characterized by a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviors. Individuals with a disorganized attachment style likely experienced inconsistent, disruptive, or abusive caregiving in childhood, leading to attachment trauma, a lack of trust, and significant feelings of destabilization in relationships. This attachment style can lead to an individual experiencing significant difficulties with emotion regulation, severe mistrust of partners and other close relationships, confusing and unpredictable behaviors for their partners and loved ones, and a higher risk of developing persistent mental health issues.

how to recognize secure attachment

So now that you've learned a little about different types of attachment, you may be wondering: which attachment style do I have?! Identifying your attachment style and increasing your awareness of your relational dynamics is a helpful place to start if you're wanting to cultivate more fulfilling relationships and better understand your behaviors. Securely attached individuals tend to have a positive view of themselves and others and are comfortable with both intimacy as well as independence. In PACT we refer to securely attached folks as Anchors. Anchors are able to effectively communicate their needs and feelings, and generally trust that their partners will be responsive and supportive.

Secure attachment is characterized by open and honest communication, emotional availability, and a willingness to address conflicts in a constructive manner. Securely attached individuals are able to give and receive love without fear or hesitation. They have a strong sense of self-worth and are not overly dependent on their partners for validation or happiness.

If you think you may be an Island or Wave, not to worry! Our attachment style is formed as a way of coping with instability, unmet relational needs, or not enough security in our early childhood relationships with our caregivers. Being an Island or Wave has supported you to stay safe and helped you navigate rockier relationship settings to the best of your ability. You may currently be experiencing some challenges getting what you want from your relationships or noticing that some familiar behaviors you engage in feel like they are contributing to frequent conflict and/or relationship distress. Before you start engaging in inner-criticism or go into a shame spiral, continue reading about how we humans can adapt our attachment style over time to feel more satisfied and confident in our relationships.

three Factors that contribute to secure attachment

Secure attachment is not solely determined by early childhood experiences. While the quality of caregiving in infancy plays a significant role in the development of attachment styles, other factors also contribute to the formation of secure attachments. These factors include:

1. Positive and consistent interactions with caregivers: Secure attachment is fostered through responsive and nurturing caregiving. When caregivers consistently meet the child's needs, provide comfort, and create a safe environment, the child learns to trust and form secure attachments.

2. Emotional intelligence and self-awareness: Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have a high level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. They are able to understand and regulate their own emotions, as well as empathize with others. This self-awareness allows them to form deeper connections and respond to the needs of their partners.

3. Positive social support: Having a reliable support system of friends and family can contribute to the development of secure attachment. Social support provides a sense of belonging and validation, which can enhance self-esteem and the ability to form healthy relationships.

three ways to Strengthen attachments in childhood

Good news! Attachment is only determined, in part, by our early childhood experiences. While the quality of caregiving in childhood plays a significant role in the development of our attachment, other factors also contribute to the formation of our blueprints for love. Developing a secure attachment style generally includes these primary factors:

1. Consistent & Warm Interactions with Caregivers

Secure attachment is fostered through responsive and nurturing caregiving. When caregivers regularly (not perfectly!) meet the child's needs, provide comfort, and create a safe enough environment, the child learns to feeling trusting in relationships and forms secure attachments.

2. Emotional intelligence & self-awareness

Individuals with secure attachment tend to have a high level of emotional and self-awareness. Anchors are able to understand and regulate their own emotions, as well as empathize with others by imagining how others are feeling in a given context. This awareness allows Anchors to build intimacy and respond to the needs of their partners with curiosity and care, even if they may disagree.

3. Community & Social support

Having a reliable support system of friends, family, and broader community can also meaningfully contribute to the development of secure attachment. Social support and being met with empathy from others helps to meet our essential human need for belonging and validation, which also enhances self-esteem, feelings of trust and safety, and the ability to form stable relationships.

three ways to Build secure attachments in adulthood

If you're wanting to try to move towards increased security in your attachment, the following strategies may help. Building secure attachments as an adult generally requires self-reflection, vulnerability, and a willingness to challenge old patterns and related behaviors. Here are places to start:

1. Self-reflection & awareness

Take the time to reflect on your own attachment style and identify any patterns or behaviors that you think may be hindering building secure connections. Increasing self-awareness is the first step towards making positive changes and cultivating more fulfilling relationships.

2. Communication & emotional openness

Be open and honest with your partner(s) or potential partners about your challenges in close relationships and any insecurities or fears you may have. Effective and empathic communication is essential to building trust, resolving conflicts, and creating a secure and supportive bond. Plus, this helps invite your partner to share some of their own fears or challenges with relationships which can help you build more intimacy.

3. Seeking individual therapy or couple counseling

Individual or Relationship therapy can be a valuable tool for folks who are seeking to transform their attachment style. A skilled therapist can help you uncover any underlying attachment fears and increase your understanding of experiences that have shaped your attachment style, helping you have self-compassion for the challenges you're encountering. Therapists also provide guidance and support and offer tools to help you manage moments of relational and emotional distress, as well as provide skills to help you effectively communicate this to your partner(s) to help you move toward secure attachment.

three tools to Heal from insecure attachment

Healing insecure attachment and moving towards secure attachment involves addressing past relational wounds. This is an emotionally provocative process that requires self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to personal growth. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Acknowledge & validate your experiences

Recognize and validate the impact of your past experiences on your attachment style. Understanding how your behaviors and fears are rooted in past wounds can help foster self-compassion and pave the way for healing.

2. Seek professional help

Working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in attachment issues can provide guidance and support throughout the healing process. Therapy can help identify patterns, process emotions, and develop new coping mechanisms that are better aligned with your values.

3. Practice self-care & self-compassion

Prioritize self-care activities that promote emotional well-being and self-compassion. Engage in activities that bring you joy, cultivate self-compassion and self-awareness, and share with your support system about your desire to grow into increased security in your relationships.

The role of therapy in promoting secure attachment

Therapy can be an essential support for building secure attachment by providing a secure and supportive environment to explore attachment styles and work towards developing more intimate and nourishing relationships. Therapists who specialize in attachment theory, like PACT therapists, can help you identify and address attachment patterns, develop new strategies that promote intimacy, and cultivate more secure connections.

Therapy is a space for you to process past traumas, heal emotional wounds, and learn new ways of relating to others. It can also help you develop self-awareness, emotion regulation skills, and effective communication strategies. Through therapy, individuals and partners can build the foundations for secure attachment and start to have more fulfilling and satisfying partnerships.

Embracing the power of secure attachment

In a world where genuine and lasting connections can be hard to come by, we believe that earned secure attachment offers a roadmap to increased contentment and more nourishing relationships. By understanding the science of attachment theory, recognizing the signs and impact of secure attachment, and implementing practical strategies, you can cultivate secure attachment and transform both your personal and professional relationships.

Whether you are a parent looking to foster secure attachments in your children, or an adult or couple seeking to develop a more secure attachment style, earned secure attachment is within reach! I encourage you to learn more about your current attachment style and seek support for building earned secure attachment to unlock the potential for deep and meaningful relationships.

To learn more about attachment style, attachment theory, and earned secure attachment, check out our previous blog post: On Attachment Styles & Building Secure Attachment

Kaitlin Kindman, is a co-founder of Kindman & Co., is disabled, an activist, and a feminist. Her purpose is to help her clients come to believe that they are not alone, they belong, AND they inspire—they have the power to bring about change. She works with her clients to feel more connected, so that they take actions that improve their relationships and the world.

Kaitlin is deeply committed to providing socially just and anti-oppressive therapy. She really loves working with couples to improve their relationships and deepen intimacy, with other therapists and healers, as well as entrepreneurs and other business owners. Kaitlin finds true enjoyment in cuddling with animals, a just-right temperature cup of tea, feeling the sun on her face, and dancing in supermarket aisles.

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