I’ll admit, I’ve always had an uneasy relationship with masculinity. I always thought there were too many rules. Don’t cry, be tough, fight back! As a kid I was pretty lucky, my parents supported my hobbies, be it soccer or ballet, toy trucks or Barbie dolls, but it was at a dance recital that I got my first major lesson in “how to be a man.”

Picture this: 7-year-old boy, backstage getting ready, the girls were putting on makeup and I wanted to join them. I chose a tube of bright red lipstick and smeared it on my lips. Loving what I saw in the mirror, I kissed my reflection leaving a bright red imprint on the glass. Suddenly, one of the older boys shoved me into the very same mirror and hissed menacingly—well, I don’t remember what he said, but the message was loud and clear. You’re a boy, makeup is for girls, and if you do girly things, you’re going to be punished. I cleaned my face and the mirror. The other kids came out of their stunned silence and resumed getting ready for the recital. I refused to cry—the show must go on.

the negative effects of toxic masculinity

Feminist theorist and author bell hooks wrote, “​​The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

Oof. This sounds so sad. So serious. And it is! Through hundreds and thousands of small “lessons” like what happened to me, many boys learn to turn from pleasure, deny their emotions, and lose touch with themselves. Often this is justified as helping boys be tough, strong, and independent, but it ends up creating a toxic mix that affects all of us.

Toxic masculinity was around way before “the slap,” but since it’s on everybody’s minds, let’s look at just some of the poisonous ramifications of toxic masculinity:

• Resorting to anger and violence in place of communication

• A restricted experience of vocabulary about emotions 

• Misogyny, homophobia, and  transphobia

• Denial of necessary self-care and pleasure

• Shutting out loved ones 

• Low self-esteem, increased anxiety and depression

• Avoiding asking for help

• Numbing negative feelings with addictive behaviors

• 4x greater likelihood of death by suicide than women

And it’s not just about men behaving badly. Toxic masculinity shows up in how we hold space for men and boys who are having a hard time. Every time we enforce toughness or silence from a struggling masculine person in our life, we are sending the message that we don’t want them to open up. Toxic masculinity is there in the discomfort you feel when our brothers cry, express their pain, and share their vulnerability.

affirmations to support modern, healthy masculinity

So, what good is this if we don’t have a model for healthy masculinity? Healing toxic masculinity is a job for everyone. It starts with allowing space for masculine folks in our lives to feel safe opening up, and showing them that vulnerability, nurturing, and community go hand-in-hand with strength, logic, and bravery.

And for all you kings in need of a pep-talk, repeat after me:

• I have the courage to stand in my emotions.

• I have the wisdom to communicate how I feel and the grace to get it wrong.

• I deserve care (but not at the cost of others’ wellbeing).

• I can ask for help when I need it.

• I embrace my full humanity by loving, nurturing, sharing, connecting, and being vulnerable.

• I didn’t decide to be socialized this way, but I can heal myself and others.

Every day I feel the pull of patriarchal tradition telling me to stuff it down and play it cool, and sometimes I do. It takes a lot of time and energy to unlearn these habits when the world is working constantly to reinforce them.

If you want to dive deeper into the topic, I recommend bell hooks’ The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love.

intersectionality in masculinity

Before we wrap up, let’s also make space to bring in the trans-masc, intersex, non-binary, and assigned-male-at-birth folks who live at their own intersection with masculinity. While my story and much of the talk here centers around cis-male childhood socialization, masculinity policing continues throughout a lifetime and affects us all along the gender spectrum.

Finally, to all the masculine identified folks out there: You don’t have to be tough all the time, just courageous when the need arises. If you’re reading this now, it’s likely because you had the courage to start looking for help in a world that tells you to “man up” and deal with it on your own. You don’t have to do it alone, and I invite you to join me as we continue this work.

Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.

Fun facts are that he has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!

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