Being in an intimate relationship is at once the most challenging and most rewarding of all of the experiences of being a human. Love relationships have been and continue to be the subject of countless novels, songs and movies. So-called “relationship experts” are aplenty, with YouTube channels and Instagram feeds full of guidance on how to find and keep love. We spend innumerable hours looking for, grappling with, and letting go of romantic partnerships. While this struggle creates plenty of jobs for us therapists, one thing is for certain: it’s exhausting! 

Because February is the month that brought us the most Hallmark of all the Hallmark holidays – Valentine’s Day – we will be dedicating our musings this month to the experience and challenges of being in an intimate relationship. This week, we invite you to move from codependence to interdependence…

what does “codependency” mean?

So what is codependency, exactly? A quick google search will yield plenty of definitions, quizzes and experts telling you how to know that you’re in a codependent relationship. It’s a buzzword these days, ubiquitous in therapy and non-therapy circles. It’s a term that has entered the public lexicon and might as well just mean BAD! Here’s Oxford’s definition: 

“co·de·pend·en·cy: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”

Excessive reliance is a big no-no in our Western, capitalist society. We are rugged individualists, who are meant to pull ourselves up by our boot-straps (despite that fact that most of us have never even seen a bootstrap) and avoid relying on anyone at all. More on this later!

The term codependency originated in the 12-step tradition (Alcoholics Anonymous), and was used to describe those who were in relationships with chemically dependent people, and who were similarly powerless over the impact of the substance use. It started as co-alcoholic, then changed to co-chemically dependent and eventually just shortened to codependent. Over time, the term broadened to mean anyone who is a people-pleaser and tends to be drawn to relationships with people who take advantage of that quality. Essentially, to be codependent came to imply that one is a relationship doormat.

I want to be clear: I in no way, shape or form want to discredit the work of the many psychotherapists and theorists who have spent countless hours treating, working on and writing about codependency. This style of relating is incredibly painful to those who experience it; I am not advocating that we all define our self-worth based on our ability to please our partners. However, our society has taken this fear a little too far by swinging the pendulum all the way to the other side – extreme independence – and anything below that standard gets stamped as codependent. I respectfully disagree.

what does a thriving partnership look like?

Our individualistic culture teaches us that relationships (especially romantic ones) work when two individuals take care of their own stuff - meaning feelings, emotional baggage, trauma, etc. Once these two perfectly separate and self-reliant people have done this, they can come together and have a nice dinner. How many times have you heard this: “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else?” This pop-psychology statement has become a truism of sorts – we don’t doubt it, unless we have actually studied human attachment. 
Stan Tatkin, founder of PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) writes, “We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us.” Human babies are aware of being loved by their caretakers long before they are aware of even having a self. As human beings we are relational beings and thus, we are always in relationship. Essentially, the only way that I know who I am is by coming up against someone who is not me.

To build secure-functioning, intimate relationships, couples must become interdependent. Interdependence is that sweet spot between codependence and individualism – the space where safety and security lives. This means no more “I do me and you do you.” It also means that by choosing to be a couple, we agree that our partner comes first. We agree that we are in each other’s care and have to prioritize each others’ needs—this is showing care both for our relationship as well as for ourselves.

Codependence is rooted in our fear of not getting needs met, whereas interdependence is about creating safety and security through attraction, not threat. Here are some ways couple therapy helps couples move toward interdependence in their intimate relationships that you can adopt:

• Prioritize taking care of each other: your partner comes first. Before the kids, before the phone, before the big game on TV. 

• Create a system for mutual, collaborative decision making: all decisions have to be good for both of you. If a solution doesn’t work for either of you, keep trying until you’ve found a win-win solution. 

• Make your partner your go-to person: they are the first to know or consult with about any matter of importance. 

• Make it a point to correct any hurts or misses quickly and effectively: learning how to effectively repair with your partner (instead of proving who was right) is good for both of you!

• Abstain from threatening the relationship: When we routinely threaten to break up, we chip away at security in the relationship.

• Commit to becoming the expert on your partner: learning what your partner needs and how to shift your partner’s emotional state is vital for navigating the rough seas of life together.  

If this sounds like your partnership – Bravo! If not, don’t sweat. Let this be an invitation to start thinking about ways to become more collaborative in your partnership and notice if, and when, your individualist voice takes the reins.  And if you get stuck or feel you could use additional support, couple therapy can be a great space to experiment and explore new ways of showing up as a partner. 

Looking for relationship counseling, marriage counseling, or couples therapy in los angeles? All of our couple therapists work with married and unmarried couples and partners to reduce relationship distress and have more intimacy, connectedness, and relationship satisfaction. Visit our relationship & couples therapy page to learn more about the relationship counseling services we offer.

Paul Kindman is a licensed marriage and family therapist, who is particularly interested in exploring the harms of traditional stories of masculinity and cultivating new, fuller versions of masculinity that adopt a feminist stance and invite more authenticity. In this vein, he is especially passionate about working with male-identified clients and couples who are interested in deconstructing gender norms, deepening their emotional experience(s), and building more vulnerability and intimacy in their relationships. He is also excited to work with individuals and partners navigating experiences of immigration and acculturation, as well as other therapists and helping professionals who are building their careers and wanting to bring social awareness more into their work.

THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.

We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, support for artists /creative types, therapy for teens & young adults, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and therapy for therapists. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.

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If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:

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