Is it difficult for you to create space for yourself that includes doing nothing at all or non-productive activities? Are you constantly thinking about the next task?  If there isn’t a next thing to be done, do you find yourself creating one? Maybe two? Or even three?! 

why is it so difficult to just chill?

Those who have grown up in the United States, or have lived here for a significant amount of time, have been bombarded with messages related to the American work ethic, i.e. hard work is an important value that defines a person. American culture has long taught us to correlate our value with our work and productivity. This idea has been echoed by pop culture—music, social media, television, advertisements, and so on have painted a hard-to-escape picture of capitalism. In addition, many of us grew up in households in which our families further reinforced the idea that hard work is synonymous with self-worth.  

These omnipresent capitalist values inevitably become entangled not only with self-worth, but also with self-criticism. Think about it, when we have been inundated with capitalistic messages, and have been conditioned to believe productivity equates to self-worth, we can’t help but feel an internal pressure to live up to these standards! 

the comparison trap

You may notice that you are frequently comparing yourself to others. You may experience voices in your head saying things like: You’re lazy… You’re not good enough… You can work harder… You can be better…You can make more money… You should be living the American dream. These types of thoughts can invite self-doubt and incite feelings of inadequacy, worry, insecurity, discomfort, a sense of urgency, etc.  These thoughts and feelings often lead to personalization, or the discouraging belief that: there’s something wrong with me. 

steps for compassionately changing your narrative

Once you’ve recognized the link between capitalism, productivity, self-worth, and self-criticism, what then? How can you respond to yourself with empathy and compassion when you think and feel that you are the problem? 

1. Label the real problem

The first step is to recognize you are not the problem. The demands being put on you by capitalistic society are the problem. These demands create unrealistic expectations and work to separate us from our most human priority: investing in and caring for our relationships. 

2. Identify the context

The second step is to learn how to contextualize what is really going on. Where are these unhelpful thoughts and feelings truly coming from? Are they valid? How do they serve you? Are they true or are they coming from long-standing conditioned beliefs and constructs? 

3. Access more self-compassion

The third step is to reframe or change your thoughts to more helpful, kind, rational, and truthful thoughts, such as, I’m not a lazy person. I am a hard worker. I am good enough. I am doing my best. I deserve to take time for myself. It’s okay to not be busy. Yes, this isn’t easy! You can empathize with those you care deeply about and give them advice based on self-compassion, self-care, and tenderness, right? But when it comes to you, the opposite happens? Think about what you would say to someone you care deeply about and say those words to yourself. Write them down. Read them back. 

With time and practice, you will find a new, more compassionate internal narrative will arise. You’ll start to feel less compelled to keep busy to prove your worth, and instead be worthy just for being you.

Tina Marie Del Rosario is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Social Justice Advocate, and lover of food and travel.  Tina works with individuals, partnerships, and groups to assist in self-discovery and desired outcomes.  She enjoys working with people with creative minds and those who identify as out-of-the-box thinkers. Tina finds interest in, but not limited to, interpersonal relationships, identity and authenticity, self-esteem, anxiety and depression, and developmental and complex trauma.

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