On Queerness & Finding Your Authentic Self
“Just be yourself.” How many times have you heard that? It’s a pretty common response given in a wide range of situations, right? Like, How can I be more confident? How can I ace that interview? How do I speak to my crush? What’s a piece of advice you would give to [fill in the blank]? And on, and on...
The go-to-response of “Just be yourself” is spoken as if “being yourself” is a simple action, when in reality, it’s an incredibly challenging and ongoing process. Especially when we’re talking about coming to terms with one’s sexuality and gender identity, sometimes (most of the time!) it’s just not that simple. For those on the journey of figuring out your identity, you’re not alone.
how to feel supported in the journey of figuring out your identity
First off, know that every journey is different. Each person’s process is different. Therefore, this list could never be one-size-fits-all and is definitely not comprehensive and encompassing of every queer person’s experience. The harsh reality is that it’s also a privilege to be able to freely and safely explore queerness. My goal is to share some of what has helped me in the hopes that it provides you some insight, and you can take what you think may be most supportive for you! So, here goes nothing:
TRY ENTERING QUEER SPACES WHERE YOU FEEL VALIDATED IN YOUR PROCESS.
Figuring out your identity is a process, and it’s not one you need to go through alone. It’s so important to have support systems and a community that you can relate to, uplift, and celebrate your experiences with. For those not within the queer community who you wish to accompany you on your journey, send them to do some research! Educating the people around you can be taxing, and setting the boundaries to not extend yourself is essential!
Being in queer spaces also encompasses the healthcare field. You deserve to have a therapist who can provide a safe space during sessions to speak about your queerness and who is educated about the experience themself (see point above about educating your support system being too taxing). You also deserve medical and health providers who are competent in LGBTQIA2S+ related issues. Here are a few resources:
Finding a Therapist:
Inclusive Therapists: Toggle for specialities specific for the queer community
Finding Providers in General
USE LABELS/EXPRESSION FOR YOUR OWN COMFORT.
Labels are not an end all be all. Pronouns can be changed. Names can be changed. Vocabulary changes! I would treat them as you do with clothing. You can try them to see if they fit--and take them off if they don’t. It’s what you’re comfortable with, and that can change as you get to know yourself.
In the same vein, here’s a friendly reminder that as much as our patriarchal, misogynistic society says otherwise, gender expression does not equate to sexuality and gender identity. Pronouns also don’t determine someone’s gender. Your identity is your identity.
*Side note: None of the more common pronouns feel right? Check out neopronouns. Need an upgrade on the expanding vocabulary of the queer community? Check out this list: https://pflag.org/glossary!
ACCEPT THAT IT IS A PROCESS.
It’s really not as simple as point A to point gay, even though we sometimes hope it to be. Your identity is still valid whether or not you are stagnant or dynamic with how you identify yourself.
Queerness doesn’t exist in a binary and cannot be confined to a spectrum. It’s a galaxy with limitless possibilities and no constraints. Don’t be restricted by what has been and what others have told you. Your queerness is your own journey--as is finding what “authentic” means for you. And though the freedom to explore can be overwhelming and frightening, you weren’t meant to go through the journey alone anyway!
If you are feeling alone or ashamed of your identity/experience, please consider seeking support from therapists and communities who affirm who you are and the challenges you’re grappling with.
for LGBTQIA+ adults seeking support
Join the Queer in Adulthood Support and Process Group facilitated by Courtney.
This group is for adult individuals who have recently come out or are finding themselves in the process of exploring and/or embracing their queer identity. And of course, coming out in adulthood has many, unique challenges, like:
Difficulty navigating identity formation and transition
Feeling lonely, anxious, or depressed throughout the process of coming out
Difficulty navigating queer spaces and the pain of feeling that you don’t fit in
Feeling the need to “prove” your sexuality to self or others
Loss and grief of time that could have spent being authentically yourself earlier in life
Complex feelings associated with navigating a “Second Adolescence” and related fears around belonging
Feeling misunderstood or unaccepted by loved ones and society and the shame of being “different”
The pain and tumultuous process of “lying to yourself” or “hiding yourself” throughout life
If you have recently come out or are still questioning and exploring your queer identity, the Queer in Adulthood Group is a space to start to feel seen and empowered.
Amanda Lam is an empath, aspiring therapist, and the care coordinator at Kindman & Co. They really enjoy connecting with others and building community. They are especially interested in working with/supporting QTPOC folx. For fun, Amanda loves to explore different coffee shops, dance, and be creative - whether through art, design, or photography.
GET HELP NOW
If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:
Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with me!
Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.
Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!
THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.
We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.