If you’re anything like me, the last year and a half have made you feel like you want to pull your hair out and scream. While experiencing a global pandemic, I have had to telework and simultaneously provide emotional and educational support to my toddler. IT IS EXHAUSTING. Having to navigate meetings and deadlines all while trying to ensure your child(ren) are not burning your house down is not a task that any of us were prepared or equipped for! And to add to the aforementioned stressors, many of us have employers that are not very understanding about the position we’re in nor are seeing that we are wearing so many hats right now. Many people have not had the opportunity to telework and had to place our children in daycare, despite being terrified about the coronavirus. Some of us have even had to quit our job to take care of our kids. And some of us were laid off from our jobs, adding an insurmountable amount of stress to an already deeply worrisome situation. 

as a parent, it’s important to put yourself first sometimes

When I found out that I was pregnant with my child, one of my dear friends told me, “remember to put on your oxygen mask before you place one on your baby.” She was referencing  the instructions that flight attendants give us before the plane takes off. And this instruction is provided to us, because if for some reason the plane loses oxygen, we parents will not be able to support our child(ren) if we cannot breathe. Isn’t this the complete opposite of what society tells us? Society tells us that it is okay to feel suffocated, and that we should wear this exhaustion as a badge of honor for being a parent.

I’m calling bulls****! Just because we are parents does not mean that we should completely deplete ourselves, nor should we have it together all the time. And it’s not only okay to acknowledge that, but it’s important. Especially this year.  

the “good enough” parent, not the “perfect parent”

As parents, many of us strive to be perfect. We are afraid of what failure might look like and the possibility of hurting those we love most dearly: our children. In the psychology world, we toss around an idea originated by Donald Winnicott of the “good enough mother.” The general idea is that babies and children actually benefit when their parents are imperfect. Yup, you read that right! The world is messy and humaning hurts, so modeling being the perfectly-responsive and attuned parent sets your child up for distress later. As Carla Naumburg writes in The Gift of the Good Enough Mother for Seleni Institute: “Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world.”

Are you allowing your child to have more screen time than usual just so you can have a break? Good for you! That is self-care. Did you find yourself crying in the other room while your kid was distracted? Let it out; you are healing yourself. We all have so many ways that we can feel like not-good-enough parents--especially in a pandemic! We are energy-tapped, less supported, and navigating increased stressors, it is impossible to be our best selves right now. And that’s actually a good thing. 

a quick self-compassion parenting exercise

In your role as a parent, what might you be beating yourself up for right now? Instead, try to cultivate more self-compassion by telling yourself that “i’ve survived a global pandemic and my limitations are what make me most human. Every human being is imperfect.”  Your limitations and imperfections are also what teach your children to be resilient, to self-soothe, and to resource themselves to lean on more people and activities to get their needs met.

So the next time you feel that you are not doing a great job being a parent, please try to give yourself some grace-I know, it’s really hard. I struggle with doing the same for myself. But at the end of the day, we are all just putting on our oxygen masks the best way we can. 

Chitra Wiltshire is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, mother, and proud empath. Chitra works with individuals, families, and partners to feel more empowered and connected in their relationships. Chitra is especially interested in working with BIPOC folx to heal from racial trauma and oppression as well as new parents and mothers navigating postpartum depression. Chitra is dedicated to creating inclusive spaces that focus on building a safe therapeutic relationship where clients feel supported to explore all intersections of their identity. As a woman of color who has personally navigated racial trauma, Chitra understands how essential it is to feel seen and heard.

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