We’re all feeling the heart-heaviness that has been the election rollercoaster right now. I wasn’t blind-sided by how little of a Blue Wave we’ve seen, but I, like many, have felt incredibly devastated and heartbroken by the important reminder of just how many Americans are hateful, racist, and unable to access empathy for others who are different from them.

I really resonated with Van Jones perspective on the difference between the moral and political victory: “There’s the moral victory and there’s the political victory…we wanted to see a repudiation of this direction for the country. And the fact that it’s this close—it hurts, it just hurts.”

The moral victory was the sweep that we were all holding out for, the reparative swing that would show that people understand the danger of the white supremacist vitriol being emboldened under Trump and how many unnecessary deaths have occurred due to his mishandling of this pandemic. Many of us are grieving this moral loss and will be for quite some time. As we prepare for the first holiday season under Covid-19 regulations, many folx are trying to sort out how to hold space for the tenderness they feel right now AND maintain some sort of connection with family members who voted in support of Trump’s discriminatory beliefs. Below you’ll find eight tips to help you take care of yourself while spending time (or on Zoom calls) with your conservative family members.

1. set Expectations

This year may not be the connected, warm and fuzzy holiday celebration you’ve had before and that’s okay.  Setting clear expectations that things may be tense, challenging, and even hurtful will help prevent you from feeling blindsided.  Be honest with yourself about who your loved ones are and what you understand their beliefs to be on these issues.  As painful as this may be for you, knowing what you’re heading into will prepare you for how best to care for yourself and opening up the possibility of having some quality interactions with your family. Bringing us to needing to be a little more protective of yourself right now…

2. Use Protection

At Kindman & Co., we’re big fans of vulnerability…AND we’re always telling clients they have to be discriminating of who they show their vulnerable selves to.  We are not meant to always be sharing authentically of ourselves. Rather, people have to show us that they will hold our feelings with empathy and care. Recognize that you are tender-hearted right now!  You may be feeling raw, saddened, and actively grieving that moral loss we spoke about above. If finding emotional support from your family feels a little (or a lot!) hopeless right now, then try to be realistic about who feels safe to share with right now. Nothing says that you are required to wear your heart on your sleeve—in fact, that may not be the most supportive choice.  

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

By now, you probably understand that it’s on each of us as individuals (especially white folx) to do the emotional labor of educating and recruiting our family members to lead with more humanity and inclusivity. You want to be a good ally. And, being a good ally also means investing energy and action-taking in areas where it may make a difference. 

Only you know if there’s room to influence your family members and if sharing your feelings and experiences will be met with any openness. Don’t give up on talking about the political divide and fighting for empathy with your family; do be realistic with yourself about how much you can do while also trying to care for yourself and feel emotionally safe during your visit.  If it’s not going well, you need to set boundaries to support you and help maintain some connectedness with your family during your visit. Perhaps that means saying I’m not comfortable discussing politics right now or asking to protect certain times and activities where it’s off-limits.  You absolutely can say, I don’t want to talk about this before I’ve had some time to wake up/right before I go to bed, can we discuss this a little later?

4. Use the Buddy System & Ask for Support

Is there anyone in your family who shares your values and the distress that you are feeling right now? Perhaps your partner has traveled with you, you have a like-minded sibling, or maybe a cousin to convene with?  Part of what can make our pain feel unmanageable is that we feel alone with it.  You do not need to ignore your feelings to get through family time, nor should you. Let your buddy know about your concerns ahead of time and collaborate together on how you can support one another.  Maybe you plan a time each day that’s reserved for just the two of you (venting sessions welcomed!), a secret code word that will let them know you’re struggling, or an action you can take that lets the other know that they’re not in this alone.  

If there is no one you feel safe with while visiting your family, plan for a “lifeline.” Let a close friend or other loved one know that you’re feeling worried about how your holiday family time will go, and ask if they can be a little more available to check in with when you need them. Consider planning a session with your therapist for a time while you’re visiting your family.  Sometimes just sending a few texts about how you’re feeling and getting any kind of response back will help you feel less alone in your struggle.

5. Practice Grounding & Stabilizing Exercises

When (not if) you notice yourself getting activated and/or agitated, try to do whatever you can to ground yourself and connect to your body. Sit in a chair and push your feet into the floor while paying attention to the feeling of the floor beneath you. You can even say to yourself “I am supported. I feel the ground beneath me. I am safe.”

Use the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise: Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. 

Or try my personal favorite, the Self-Hug: place one hand on your chest and one on your belly for a big, yummy self-hug. Apply a little pressure with your hands and try to deepen your breath so that the hand on your belly moves up and down with each inhale and exhale. Repeat for as many breaths as needed!

6. Take All the Space You Need

Space will be your new best friend, right now. Volunteer to run essential errands to give you some reprieve and get a breath of fresh air. Make a routine of going on a walk every day. Excuse yourself to the room you’re staying in to attend an online exercise class, read a book, take a longgg shower, call a friend, etc.  There is nothing that says you are required to spend all of your time with your family.  Being on top of each other all of the time is likely not going to go well for any of you!  Prioritize taking time for yourself and doing anything that tends to help you de-stress. 

7. Prioritize Your Needs & Feel It to Heal It

And while we’re at it, give yourself space for your feelings. When you are emotionally activated and your body experiences stress, you have to give it the opportunity to complete the stress response cycle. If you try to ignore the emotions, you will store that stress and this can lead to chronic health issues further down the line.  If you are feeling hurt, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. that’s an indicator you need to first prioritize taking care of you. Take some time to feel the emotion in your body—track the sensations and give yourself a few moments just to be with them. Then try moving your body to move through the feelings. Go on a walk or run, Curl your toes and hands into a ball and then release them, do some jumping jacks, dance it out, play a sport you love with your siblings, etc. If movement isn’t available to you, see if you can sneak away to give yourself some time for a good, releasing cry. Just don’t sit around and stuff it down.

8. Let Yourself Rest & Play

You are hurting. You are exhausted. You feel ashamed of what your loved ones think. Spending time with people with staunchly different beliefs is devastatingly hard. Please understand that this isn’t true just for you, it’s true for all of us.  You can’t keep at this without giving yourself time for rest, for connecting, for playing, for creativity, for laughter, and for joy. (These are also great ways to complete the stress cycle!)As Adrienne Maree Brown says in her collection of essays, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good: “We need to learn how to practice love such that care—for ourselves and others—is understood as political resistance and cultivating resilience.” Practicing self-care and community care is essential right now; we cannot fight when we aren’t resourced. Recognize that caring for yourself is an act of political resistance in a culture that oppresses so many of us. Understand that this kind of love helps us build the essential resilience we all need right now. Resilience helps us keep fighting and helps us to resource ourselves in the many ways that we need to try to maintain connection to those who deeply challenge our empathy right now. 

Seek joy & pleasure. Resist. Cultivate resilience. 

This year is tough enough—don’t navigate the holiday season on your own. Contact us to learn more about our services and get paired with the best therapist for you.

Kaitlin Kindman, is a co-founder of Kindman & Co., an activist, and a feminist. Her purpose is to help her clients come to believe that they are not alone, they belong, AND they inspire—they have the power to bring about change. She works with her clients to feel more connected, so that they take actions that improve their relationships and the world.

Kaitlin is deeply committed to providing socially just and anti-oppressive therapy. She really loves working with couples to improve their relationships and deepen intimacy, with other therapists and healers, as well as entrepreneurs and other business owners. Kaitlin finds true enjoyment in cuddling with animals, a just-right temperature cup of tea, feeling the sun on her face, and dancing in supermarket aisles.

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