A lot of what I hear in grief therapy is something along the lines of: “I feel like I’m not grieving right.” It’s an idea that’s reflective of a lot of things about modern life and comparison culture, but I think there’s something unique in its application to loss. Because when someone dies and we grieve them, what would it even mean to grieve right? Would this mean grieving faster or better? Who decides how well we’re doing it when so much of grief is, for the sake of others, secreted away to our private lives?

What is Grief, Really?

I think often what’s underneath sentiments of wrongness is actually shame that the feelings one is experiencing in grief are wrong or bad. But I can tell you firsthand that grief is rarely all poetic tears and longing. It’s not just wearing black or writing unanswered letters, as we see in movies. There are lots of messy, complicated, less easily countenanced parts of grief. Below are just a few.

Complex feeling of grief: relief

Whether losing a loved one after a protracted period of illness and suffering or losing someone with whom there’s been a complicated and less-than-perfect relationship, feeling a sense of relief after a loved one has died is completely normal. Feeling relief does not mean that you wished them gone or wouldn’t take them back in an instant. It doesn’t mean you hastened their end with your hoping. It just means that you’re alive and reacting to a reduction of immediate stress. It means you’re tuning into the complexity of grief, in which your relief is mixed up with all the other emotions, powerfully churning.

Complex feeling of grief: joy

I remember the first time I laughed after my mother died. It felt like an absolute betrayal. How dare I feel enough happiness to discharge it in peals of laughter when she could no longer feel anything at all? Throughout my grief I felt this sensation again and again, mixed with differing proportions of guilt. Feeling happiness during grief does not disqualify your sadness, nor invalidate your mourning. Grief, when it is not dulling us down to walking ghosts, draws out the most vivid version of our emotions, including joy. Just as none of the emotions of grief can return what we’ve lost, neither can they destroy what was had when our loved one was alive. It is okay to live.

Complex feeling of grief: selfishness

In her memoir The Long Goodbye, Meghan O’Rourke writes: “One of the grubby truths about a loss is that you don’t just mourn the dead person, you mourn the person you got to be when the lost one was alive. This loss might even be what affects you most.” Despite depictions of mourners being all clasped handkerchiefs and selfless devotion, the feeling of selfishness or emotions related to the personal impacts of a loss are completely normal. The death of a loved one impacts our identity, it changes us. Of course we spend some of our grief thinking about ourselves. Who are you without this person? It’s a big question, and answering it does not make you selfish.

This is far from a comprehensive list. There are so many grubby truths about loss. We don’t like talking about them, but they are real and human and okay to talk about. There are many reassurances out there that there’s no wrong way to grieve, and I agree with that sentiment. But mostly I think it’s important to remember that there’s no right way to grieve, either.

Grief is hard enough. Don’t do it alone. We have a variety of offerings for grief counseling and grief support groups to help you.

Found this post helpful? Read more posts about the complicated process of grief and get helpful tips in our other related posts: On Grief & Building New Meaning, On Grief & Other Realms, and On How to Tell if You’re Experiencing Grief Due to Covid-19. Learn more about the grief counseling services we offer to support you.

Anna Kim is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, a writer, and an adventurer. Anna works with individuals, intimate relationships, families, and groups to support growth and change. She is especially interested in grief & loss, identity & authenticity, and attachment, but appreciates all the infinite, complicated parts of being alive.

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