As humans, we want things to make sense. We yearn for meaning, for order, for understanding. This logic-driven part of us is one facet of why we struggle so profoundly when someone we love dies. We want to know the stages of grief and how long the feelings will last. We try to read books and seek out advice, some of which is helpful. But grief often eludes a clean, straightforward narrative. We can tell ourselves the story of what happened, but the reality is so much larger and messier than the what of it. 

As a therapist, I wish I had something more prescriptive to say. And, as a person who has experienced loss, I know that anything simpler would be missing the point.

That large, messy thing is grief. It’s a complex matrix of emotions. Sometimes, we feel as though we have followed the dead to another, hollow plane of existence, and sometimes we feel shockingly, electrifyingly alive. There can be anger, sadness, rage, joy, denial, relief, fear, emptiness. These things overlap, morph, disappear, and reappear. We act out, shut down. We tell ourselves the story again and again with subtle variations, trying to make sense.

The early work of grief is to move beyond the what into the mess.

Because in all of that mess, grief can expand our emotional range beyond the visible spectrum into the ultraviolet and infrared realms—places that, despite having been there all along, we never knew existed. In the ultraviolet, grief can crack us open and show us how to live again, newly. It can help us redefine ourselves, live joyfully, and find fulfilment. In the infrared, it can also drag us down to the very bottom of things and make us question everything we know. It can bring up shame, guilt, helplessness.

But the thing is: once you have seen these other realms, they are nearly impossible to unsee.

There are people reading this right now who know what I’m talking about. 

When my mother died, I felt like I’d suddenly found myself in another world. I could see everything happening as it had before, and so many things I had never noticed suddenly appeared in bright, radiant colors. There was a neon sign above every living thing. I tried to explain this to people I knew, but couldn’t convey with any accuracy what had shifted in the world. She was here and now she isn’t. Can’t you see?

It took me a while to realize that there were other people who could see it, too, others who yearned for people who weren’t. They didn’t know me, or my mother, but they knew.

I urge anyone who is grieving to find these people and sit with them. The person you loved is gone, but you are here. You are here and there are people who can be with you in the swell of emotions too large, bright, and complex to name. It doesn’t have to make sense, or be linear. It doesn’t have to stand to reason. It’s going to be a mess.

And truly, that’s the beauty of it. 

Anna Kim is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, a writer, and an adventurer. Anna works with individuals, intimate relationships, families, and groups to support growth and change. She is especially interested in grief & loss, identity & authenticity, and attachment, but appreciates all the infinite, complicated parts of being alive.

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