Hold onto your hats, folx, we’re getting gayer. According to a recent Gallup poll, LGBT self-identification is up from 4.5% of adults in the US in 2017 to 5.6% of adults in the US in 2020 (we should also note that about 7.6% of the over 15,000 survey respondents did not answer the question about sexual orientation). Interestingly, over half (54.6%) of the folx who identified as LGBT identify as bisexual.  This means that over 3.1% of adult Americans identify as bisexual. Bisexual identity increases in younger populations, with 50% of LGBT Millennials identifying as bisexual (5.1% of Millennials) and a whomping  72% of LGBT Gen Zers identifying as bisexual (11.5% of Gen Zers). With these staggering statistics in mind, let’s explore bisexual erasure, what it is, and why it matters. 

There are a whole lot of misconceptions about bisexual folx, and these result in decreased acceptance and erasure from within heteronormative society and from within LGBTQ+ communities. Many people question the “legitimacy” of bisexuality, and consider it an “underdeveloped sexuality,” a “transitional orientation,” and that it’s “just a phase” and bisexual individuals are just “unable to choose a side.”

-insert eye roll here-

You’re probably asking yourself, isn’t this just semantics? Who really cares? 

Unfortunately, this goes far deeper than semantics. Bisexual individuals are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, heart disease, cancer risk factors, and STIs when compared to their monosexual counterparts. Bisexual women* (who tend to come out far later in life, and who some researchers believe are responsible for the sizable increases in bisexual identification) are significantly more likely to be in relationships with intimate partner violence, be sexually assaulted and experience sexual violence, and on top of that, they tend to receive negative reactions when sexual assault is disclosed than their heterosexual and lesbian counterparts. Bisexual women are also more likely to struggle with substance use and misuse, and more commonly engage in self-harm and suicidal ideation than (cisgender) monosexual men and women, and (cisgender) bisexual men. 

What do I do with this information? How can I make sure I’m not adding to this? How do I support the bisexual folx in my life? 

A great way to start is by educating yourself and diversifying your narratives. Who is in your circle? What movies do you watch? Are there bisexual folx in your favorite TV shows? What are they like (keep an eye out for the “provocative” and hypersexualization tropes)? What books are you reading? By surrounding ourselves with narratives that are different from our own, we can begin to understand perspectives different from ours, which is especially important if you’re coming from a place of privilege. 

I personally also believe that it is absolutely integral that we embrace an intersectional lens in all facets of our lives, particularly when considering anyone in our life who has a marginalized identity. Intersectionality examines the overlapping intersections of one’s identity to understand the facets of their marginalization and privilege. For more on intersectionality, I’d recommend checking out Kimberlé Crenshaw’s TED talk, The Urgency of Intersectionality. The intersections of identity include all facets of identity, such as (but not limited to) race, gender identity, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, religion, body size and type, citizenship, (dis)ability, neurodivergence, and so much more.  

Bisexual folx tend to have our bisexuality invalidated rather frequently, as the norm in our society is monosexuality (being attracted to one gender), and many of the labels our society favors exist largely on the binary. Often, we feel like we need to adjust the way we come off and the things we say depending on whether we’re around straight friends, queer friends, family, or at work. We are almost constantly aware of the conversations we’re having with those around us, and whether we’re saying something that might possibly get a reaction (“What do you mean you think she’s attractive? Aren’t you dating him?”). Many of us are juggling multiple identities most, if not all, of the time--this is especially important to consider when the person you’re talking to or about is carrying other marginalized identities (this is where your intersectional lens comes in--we must also be considering cultural and gender role expectations!).  

Often, bisexual folx feel like we need to “prove” our bisexual identity. Your coworker who says she’s bi, but she’s only brought men to office parties? Still bi. Your old roommate who said he was bi who ultimately married a woman? Still bi. Your friend who says they’re bi, but you’ve only ever seen them date people of the same gender identity? *say it with me!* Still bisexual. 

We don’t owe it to you to prove our sexuality, and feeling like we need to do so creates a whole lot of stress and anxiety. People are who they say they are. Believe them, and be grateful that they’re offering you a part of themselves when they share any aspect of their identity with you, particularly ones that you may not be able to glean from a glance. Acceptance of one’s many identities is integral; we are all unique individuals inclusive of all of our identities, and our identities are not separate from one another.

In order to move forwards, we have to acknowledge how we may have added to the erasure of bisexual folx in our personal lives. We all make mistakes; we’re all human, and that’s okay. It’s what we do with our past mistakes, how we move forwards, and what actions we take to right past wrongs that matters. Most importantly, remember, it’s not the sexual orientation that’s to blame, it’s society’s oppression and marginalization of these identities that is to blame. We must all actively choose to do better. 

*it’s important to note that this research is largely centered around cisgender bisexual women, and must be acknowledged that trans and nonbinary folx have far more risk factors that must be considered, and there is a distinct research gap here.

Courtney Rago is an empath, a critical thinker, a creative, and a questioner. They help creative individuals to get to know and celebrate all parts of themselves and their talents. They are passionate about supporting families and partners to build healthy relationships and feel more nourished by their intimate connections. Courtney firmly believes that we have the power to rewrite who society tells us we “should” be, challenging the status quo, and radically celebrating ourselves as an act of resistance. At heart, Courtney is a Jersey kid who talks fast, walks fast, drinks too much coffee, and reallyyyy misses Yankee games and NY bagels.

for LGBTQIA+ adults seeking support

Join the Queer in Adulthood Support and Process Group facilitated by Courtney.

This group is for adult individuals who have recently come out or are finding themselves in the process of exploring and/or embracing their queer identity. And of course, coming out in adulthood has many, unique challenges, like:

• Difficulty navigating identity formation and transition

• Feeling lonely, anxious, or depressed throughout the process of coming out

• Difficulty navigating queer spaces and the pain of feeling that you don’t fit in

• Feeling the need to “prove” your sexuality to self or others

• Loss and grief of time that could have spent being authentically yourself earlier in life

• Complex feelings associated with navigating a “Second Adolescence” and related fears around belonging

• Feeling misunderstood or unaccepted by loved ones and society and the shame of being “different”

• The pain and tumultuous process of “lying to yourself” or “hiding yourself” throughout life

If you have recently come out or are still questioning and exploring your queer identity, the Queer in Adulthood Group is a space to start to feel seen and empowered.

THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.

We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and therapy for therapists. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.

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