We’re often told that love does not see color. And despite the well-meaning hope of optimism this phrase aims to perseverate into our society, failing to recognize the ethnic differences in yourself and your partner can ultimately be harmful to the relationship. 

color blindness is bad for your partnership

According to Apfelbaum, Norton, et. al in Racial Color Blindness: Emergence, Practice, and Implications. Colorblindedness, in terms of race and ethnicity, is the belief that racial group membership should not be taken into account, or even noticed—as a strategy for managing diversity and intergroup relations. If we love our partners and the individuality that attracted us to them initially, acknowledging their racial group membership can be beneficial to personal inward work and/or reflection of biases we may hold towards our partner’s ethnic group.
We all have biases. Every single one of us. And in inter-ethnic relationships,it is essential to acknowledge these biases to cultivate trust, safety, and vulnerability with our partners. Denying our differences means denying who we are as individuals and as a partnership. 

cultural differences create conflict

Last summer, my husband, daughter and I went to the beach. He was tired, so I volunteered to drive back home while he was in charge of navigation. He made a mistake with one of the directions he gave me, which caused me to end up on a private road to a very affluent community. I WAS TERRIFIED. I couldn’t turn the car around because it was a one-way street going uphill. As a black woman, all that I could think about was what my fate would be for accidentally driving into this community where no one looked like me. Would the cops be called on me? Would I be cited for trespassing? My mind was in overdrive and I couldn’t turn it off.
I was so mad at my husband for giving me wrong directions. I believed that I wouldn't have had to be so scared if he had just read them correctly. So I started yelling at him. What was my husband’s response you ask? “Chitra, it’s not that big of a deal. You can just turn the car around when we get to the end of the road.” Now if you’re guessing that his response pissed me the hell off, you’re absolutely correct! And what hurt the most was that although he is married to a black woman, he doesn’t fully understand my experience. He doesn’t have to worry about the things I have to worry about. And because of that, his response sounded insensitive and dismissive to my concerns and experiences. 

bridging cultural difference in partnerships 

In a blog posted by Counselling Directory about Cross-Cultural Relationships, the author shares that because of the loyalty that we feel to our own individual culture and dispositions, we can encounter great difficulty understanding someone else’s experiences—including the ones that we love. So even if we don’t intentionally mean to sound like a complete a*****ole about our partner’s experiences, we still do, because we each navigate the world through our own cultural lense. This is why being color blind doesn’t work. How can we facilitate mutual love and respect for our partner if we cannot understand how their lived experiences dictate how they navigate the world and essentially makes them who they are?

being culturally sensitive with your partner

When my husband made that statement on our way home from the beach, there were two ways the situation could have been addressed: I could have stayed silent, and harbored resentment towards him, or I could tell him how his comments made me feel as a black woman - unseen and invalidated. I chose the latter. It was a tough conversation. But at the end of it, my husband realized that as much as he loved me, he wasn’t walking in my shoes and he let his cultural lens dictate his response to me. We both realized that in order for our relationship to remain healthy and flourish we NEED to have these conversations and acknowledge our differences in order to be better partners for each other. 

a quick communication exercise for multicultural partnerships

Sometimes as a partner, we can become so focused on tending to our significant others’ needs that we forget our own. Has your partner said something to you recently or in the past that you felt was culturally insensitive? Think about what stories, memories, and feelings came up for you when that moment happened. Have a sit down with your partner and let them know how you felt as a result. Try communicating your concerns to your partner and let them know why what they said felt insensitive to you and how it caused you pain.  It’s important to address these disconnects head on, to avoid building up resentment or hurt that can start to deeply impact your relationships. While you’re talking, try to keep in mind that tough conversations are necessary in healthy relationships - no matter how icky and daunting they may feel! Having this conversation is showing care for yourself, your partner, and your relationship and it will help you to have more connection, understanding, and love in the future.

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If you are struggling with navigating cultural or racial differences in your multi-cultural partnership, click to learn more about the couples therapy offerings we provide.

Chitra Wiltshire is an Associate Clinical Social Worker, mother, and proud empath. Chitra works with individuals, families, and partners to feel more empowered and connected in their relationships. Chitra is especially interested in working with BIPOC folx to heal from racial trauma and oppression as well as new parents and mothers navigating postpartum depression. Chitra is dedicated to creating inclusive spaces that focus on building a safe therapeutic relationship where clients feel supported to explore all intersections of their identity. As a woman of color who has personally navigated racial trauma, Chitra understands how essential it is to feel seen and heard.

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