You’ve done the work to find a therapist that you like, you feel like it’s a good fit and the first sessions felt great. You shared vulnerably, your therapist met you with empathy, they seem to understand you and the work started to go deeper. Congratulations! That’s a big step.

Just like so many relationships, the relationship you have with your therapist can start with strong feelings. With good pacing, this feeling can give way to a deeper connection as you move into working together on your goals. At some point though, you might start to notice that something is off. So what do you do? 

what to do if i’m not feeling connected to my therapist?

It can happen at any point in therapy: you might become frustrated, you feel less connected, your initial reasons for starting therapy seem fuzzy in your mind, or it feels like something is just not right. While therapy involves some level of manageable discomfort in the process of growth, here are some cues that the therapy process may need some new perspective.

• You consistently leave sessions feeling confused and unsure of what just happened

• You dread going to therapy or don’t feel safe bringing up what feels important to you

• You feel like your therapist is ignoring you, or not taking you seriously

• You started with clear goals but don’t know where you are actually heading at this point

• You’re upset about a change in therapy like price, frequency, or the timing of our appointment

• Every session feels the same and it feels like you’re getting nowhere

These feelings are worth taking seriously and exploring them could be the key to a deeper and more rewarding therapy process. Below are a few steps to try that can help you start to feel more connected to your therapist and that you’re getting what you want out of therapy.

Reconnect with your original therapy goals

Before you started therapy, you definitely had a reason to start. What was it? You might have trusted friends who can reflect this back to you, or maybe you journaled about it. Time to dust off that journal and see what past you was hoping for. Your therapist is also a great resource for this. It’s scary to ask for direct feedback, but asking your therapist what they think your shared goals are is a good way to clarify things and see if you and your therapist are on the same page.

Address the therapy process

I appreciate any time a client starts off a session with reflections on our work together, and I know it can be quite the challenge. Take a moment to set aside the story about what is going on and share how the situation is making you feel. Naming what’s happening here and now, instead of recounting last week’s dramas can really help deepen things. Here are some suggestions for process based questions and reflections:

• “I’m feeling unsure about where we’re going in therapy and I’d like your help re-orienting toward what I should be focusing on.”

• “Last week I shared something that felt vulnerable and difficult, and your reaction was disappointing to me, can we talk about that?”

• “I keep hoping that you’d ask me about _______. Can we move therapy in that direction?”

• “I’ve noticed that you keep asking me about _______ and I feel [insert emotion word here] about that. Can we process that together?”

So often we learn to avoid uncomfortable conversations in favor of harmony. Therapy is a place where you can get more familiar with your own internal experiences, but also advocate for your own needs. Bringing up these reflections to your therapist can feel like conflict, but as a relational therapist, I believe that well-managed conflict can lead to deeper connections and the healing work that leads to big breakthroughs. If you feel like you can’t do that with your therapist, it’s a good time to consider the next part.

Make a change

If none of the things above seem to help, then something needs to change. Perhaps it comes down to assessing whether or not this is the right therapist for you. I consider therapy a success if a client uses their time with me to decide that they want to find a therapist that is older, or with lived experience that I don’t have, or just with a different therapeutic approach.

However, finding a different therapist isn’t the only answer. At this point it is important to look at what you are bringing to therapy. If you feel like your therapist is a good fit, but nothing else is changing, it’s time for introspection. Consistently saying to yourself, What should I talk about today? or I can’t believe a whole week has gone by is a good sign that you are missing out on some important self-reflection throughout your week.

Most importantly, remember that therapy is a place to explore deepening connection. When in doubt, talk it out in the here and now, you may be surprised where it leads.

Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.

GET HELP NOW

If you are interested in therapy with Kindman & Co. and would like to learn more about the services we have to help you, follow these quick & easy steps:

1. Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with our Care Coordinator.

2. Get matched with the therapist who’s right for you.

Start feeling more supported and fulfilled in your life and relationships!

THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.

We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.