The setting was perfect– we were in a record setting heat wave in Southern California and it was 109℉ on a Saturday. I had no intention of stepping one foot out of my air conditioned house (eternally grateful for this privilege), and so it seemed like a great day to binge watch a show. There are times that my overactive perfectionism impacts me from just sitting and watching television– I feel like I have to be doing something productive all the time (yes, your therapist is working on the same things that you are). But with the extreme heat, I was sat and content. And! There was a new reality TV show calling my name: The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (TSLOMW from now on). It seemed right up my alley– cotton candy like drama for the brain and an inside look into how folks from other religions live day to day. This blog will go over some of my initial reflections from the show around attempts to find feminism within a patriarchal institution and the fascination of loopholes within religious guidelines. There’s too much to talk about, so please look for my part two where I dive into the inherent hierarchy of power dynamics and comparison politics when in a binary-based religion, as well as the white supremacist beauty standards depicted on the show.

First, for those that haven’t watched TSLOMW, it is about a group of self-identifying Mormon (sometimes referred to as LDS, which stands for Latter Day Saints) women in Provo, Utah who have gotten famous for being part of a TikTok group called “Mom Tok”. They get together and post trending dances online. They are all moms, and they’re all young with no objections to plastic surgery and cosmetic updates. They have huge individual social media followings, but appear to be more powerful when they come together under the “Mom Tok” brand, which is a major plot point and typically each episode ends with one woman asking, “Will Mom Tok survive this??” They rose to viral acclaim after one member, and Mom Tok founder, Taylor Frankie Paul revealed that some members of the group were involved in “soft swinging”. The show focuses on this scandal, which leads to tons more conflict as this group of approximately 8 women navigate Queen Bee culture and vie for power and belonging within this “friend” group.

One thing that is clear is that it is very common to get married and start having children at a young age, with one mom having her first child at 16 years old (with her 21-year-old husband, which yes, is illegal, but not addressed on the show). This could be another point all on its own– it’s clear that there is no proper sex education for those who grow up in this community and there is a focus on family building without focus on agency and consent. I especially resonate with this part as someone who grew up in purity culture as a conservative Christian. 

feminism within structured religion

(Can you be a feminist while wearing special underwear?)

Something I heard many of the women discuss throughout the show was how empowering it was to be the breadwinner in the family because of the revenue they get through brand deals and endorsements through their social media followings. They seemed to keep coming back to this point, saying how proud they are to be doing something so countercultural to how they were raised within the rigidness of Mormon patriarchal guidelines. Through Mom Tok, they found themselves with platforms, agency, and the ability to make money. 

I couldn’t help but question this perspective. It’s not because I don’t believe women who get plastic surgery, dance while filming it, or people who are in heterosexual families with children cannot be feminists. It’s that I have a hard time discerning what feminism actually means to them. From what I know of, how they were attempting to be more progressive within their religious communities was by featuring the traits above. I didn’t see how there were focuses on TikTok addressing the misogyny, patriarchal standards, and limitations of women within the church. Feminism is defined as “the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes.” 

So, how are these women striving for equality? One of the biggest conflicts during the season is when the women go to Vegas and one woman, Jessi, surprises them all by taking them to a Chippendales show. Several are uncomfortable with this, including Jen, and they go home before the show begins. Jen chooses to tell her husband, Zac, about the event as a way of accountability, and he blows up at her, texting her that he wants a divorce since he is so embarrassed by her behavior. Jen is distraught but later reconciles with Zac, after he’s done gambling (yes, this would be a sin in the Mormon church) with the money that Jen gave him. It’s a hard few scenes to watch as Jen is miserable and hurt, but also can’t imagine leaving him. The couple is still together, by the way. This example shows how hard it is to break the indoctrination of this religious institution– that even when a partner is threatening to leave you, calling you names, and showing conditional love, there continues to be the idea that women should uphold their relationship and honor their husbands. That doesn’t sound like equality to me.

the many loopholes in structured religion

(We can’t drink coffee, but we drink 44 ounces of soda daily!)

Ahhhh the religious loopholes…this is something I am quite familiar with in my own life and have heard countless stories from clients about their frustrations of realizing how many things felt hypocritical in the church. For instance, I remember my mother not wanting me and my sisters to watch or read Harry Potter due to dark magic and witches, but she let us watch the Wizards of Waverly Place once she realized that the actress who played the mother on the show went to our church. So, it must not be that bad right?? A convenient loophole in her ideology. 

But that is so common because I don’t believe that people are meant to live within the strict binaries set up in religious institutions. And, the people interpreting scripture today often do so without historical context or accurate interpretation– so there are a lot of fallacies getting passed down generationally. One of the largest errors from Biblical translation is about the word “homosexual”-- researchers have actually found that this word was meant to be “pedophile” but was changed in 1946 to support homophobic legislation. For more information on this, I highly recommend the documentary, 1946: The Mistranslation that Shifted Culture.

I digress…back to our TSLOMW girlies. On the show, we watch as women discuss and display several loopholes that allow them to feel more comfortable within the constraints of religion. Many Mormons abstain from drinking coffee, as it is considered a substance that can “harm and enslave them to addiction”, as are alcohol and tobacco. However, all of the women on the show are obsessed with drinking soda and talk about how they have at least one (typically 44-ounce) soda a day. Utah is known for having several chains of soda shops for this reason. These women do not comment on the fact that many of their soda choices are chocked full of caffeine, which is the same substance that their book of law appears to dissuade them from. A loophole.

Another example is shown when a group of women are going to get some Botox done together (another common modern Mormon woman practice) and they discuss how they love getting to use the laughing gas prior to their injections. In a scene at the medical office, Mayci says, “Am I not going to get high for free? I mean it’s not against the rules!” It’s an interesting word choice because per LDS religion, it actually would be against the rules. But, it’s needed for the procedure, and so, a loophole.

In watching these loopholes come up so blatantly, I was reminded of how necessary it is for people to feel like they have agency over their bodies. Krystal Shipps, in an article titled, “Leaving A High Demand, High Control Religion” defines high control religion as: a faith community that requires obedience; discourages its members from questioning its rules, principles, and practices; expects subservience and loyalty; discourages trusting relationships outside the group; perpetuates the notion that those within the group are right and superior to those outside of it; promotes extreme or polarizing beliefs; and expects its members to suppress their authentic selves in exchange for the sense of belonging and security the group offers.

This feels evident in the way these women do not question the rules that they have within the LDS community. Without direct questioning, there is no doubt in how they go about their practices and lives. Within their community, they feel emboldened to give permission to one another collectively so that there can be continued belonging and acceptance. 

Overall, this show was a fascinating depiction of how creative people in high control religious institutions can be. That may feel like a watering down of some of the blatant issues of misogyny, racism, and attachment issues, but I say that because watching “reality” TV shows like this, I resonated a lot. I understand how it feels to try to make sense of your very human emotions and needs of desire, and want belonging but then feel the constraint of religion and the fear of what might happen if you leave. It takes creativity to stay in the box. Because once you start questioning and doubting, the box disintegrates. 

If you’re struggling with the trauma of leaving a high control religion, please know that you’re not alone. Therapy can be an amazing place to learn how to trust yourself, get re-connected with your body, work to deconstruct and heal from the messages told to you, and understand the power of living in the gray.

Make sure you check out Part Two of this series for more thoughts on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives!

Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.

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