We asked two of our fabulous therapists to share about some of the common challenges we experience when going home to visit family for the holidays and why we turn into our angsty, teenaged selves. Read on for some tips to try to stay grounded, help set healthy boundaries, and feel supported to spend some quality time with family. Wishing you a happy holidays from the team at Kindman & Co.!

Courtney Rago, AMFT on changing relationship dynamics & coming out to family

There’s this funny thing that often happens when we’re around our family. Regardless of how far away from our family we live, how much self-work we’ve done, or how old we are, we often jump right back into that childhood version of ourselves who exists only around our family. 

I mean… I know that I can’t be the only one who suddenly finds themself internally reverting to their moody sixteen-year-old self when they are back home for the holidays. Within our families, we often assume certain roles. For me, that looks like being the youngest child trying to prove I am “mature” and know things, and the one who tries to keep everyone else calm and grounded. Am I always calm and grounded? Lol, nah. Do I read/listen to and try to critically understand the news? Most days, yes (shout out to The Skimm and NPR’s Morning Edition). Have I actually read a handful of the books on the NY Times Best Seller’s list? Strangely, yes (though, admittedly, mostly fiction). Do I have fancy college degrees (read: student loan debt)? 100%.  Do I still feel like a small snail who knows nothing and can’t handle yelling and who will shrivel up if salted when I’m around my parents and older siblings? Absolutely, I do. 

why do we feel unsteady back home?

Families are systems, and all parts of a system maintain and perpetuate the system. So, when we’re back together *just like old times*, we often naturally revert to whatever role we had that maintained our family’s homeostasis (whatever that looked like). Homeostasis is a steady, self-maintaining equilibrium (or an approximation of equilibrium). This might look like you playing your family’s peacekeeper, this could mean staying quiet and not challenging anyone, or this might mean being the loud and rowdy one. Whatever this looks like to you and your role in your family, it often happens without us even thinking about it. 

These past two years can be defined by a lot of words, but homeostatic is certainly not one of them. So here’s the thing: 

We’re not that old version of ourselves anymore. We are never the exact same version of ourselves as we were the previous year.

It’s so important that we hold onto ourselves and remind ourselves of the work we’ve done. It’s really tempting to jump right back into old roles and go back to using previously effective coping strategies, but if we do that, we’re simply maintaining our old family homeostasis.  And we don’t need to do that, particularly if it was an unhealthy dynamic. 

What’s something that might shift your family dynamic? Being queer has worked pretty well for me on that front. 

coming out & going home

There have been many people who have explored and shared their queer identity with themselves and loved ones since this pandemic began. Some people come out to a whole lot of love and acceptance, but sometimes that’s not the case, and even when it is, it’s sometimes difficult to sit with the way things have shifted and changed for you in your relational dynamics. Being around family and friends, whether or not you’ve shared your queer identity with them, can feel really complex and different after you’ve come out to yourself. Whatever your circumstances, out or not, please know that 

your identity is valid. 

Your family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors don’t get to tell you who you are, nor who you “should” be. You are who you are. You are valid. And there will always be people in the world who love you for you, inclusive of all of the parts of you, even if sometimes we have to search for them.

If you are an adult and have recently come out or are exploring your sexuality and relate to what Courtney is describing here, please check out our Queer in Adulthood group.  Be with others who really understand how difficult and complex this “second adolescence” can be and start to feel less alone!

Caitlin Harrison, AMFT on religious trauma & christmas time

Courtney nailed the experience of going home and reverting back to your angsty, 16-year-old self. I mean, who among us does not also have that shared experience of feeling like you blacked out and all of a sudden you’re slamming the door to your childhood bedroom? Coming back home as a newer (most likely more improved) version of yourself does mess with the homeostasis, and it can be jarring for all. 

For some of you, the unhealthy dynamics of home might be based around the religious and faith-based expectations for the holiday season. For many, Christmas has Christian/Catholic connotation, and there are expectations to go to church and/or mass. For those that are struggling to heal a past of religious trauma, returning to the “scene of the crime” can be extremely triggering.

navigating religious trauma at home

If you are feeling pulled by your parental figures to go to church, I invite you to first consider what options you have. 

By pausing and considering what options you have, you remind your brain that you are not in fight/flight mode– you do not need to panic.

So, when someone asks you if you want to go to church with them, first respond in a way to give yourself some time. Try out: “Let me think about that” or “When is the latest you need to know by?”

Once you have some time for yourself, consider what going back to church could mean for you. Take some breaths and focus on your “why.” Your “why” is the reason behind the importance of not going back to church this year. And please know, whatever the reason is, it’s valid. 

I simply want to invite  you to remind yourself of the reason why you get to hold your ground and choose something different this year.

Then, it’s the really difficult and important part– communicating that you will not be attending the service/program/event. Practice some of the grounding techniques provided below and then let your parent/ authority figure know. To assist with the expected backlash or confusion, try to have a backup plan for yourself. Let them know that you do not want to go and that you have a plan for how you will spend your time while the family is at their activity–– maybe you’re doing last-minute shopping, preparing the ingredients for the next family meal, or calling a friend. This is not to be an excuse, simply something for you to rely on doing instead. 

And if you’re needing more support, try out this rebuttal, “I see things differently.” Explain that it is important to you to maintain your family relationships, and for this year, that includes not going to church. Try to let them know that it is not personal (even though it definitely might be) and that this is a significant part of your experience right now.  

I know how hard this is. Remember that each baby step is a true step. 

You are doing great work, and you, your story, and your values matter.

If you have experienced religious trauma and/or are navigating changing feelings in your relationship with organized religion, check out our Healing from Religious Trauma group. Be with others who understand the complexities of religion and the challenges it presents to your sense of self, relationship to sexuality, and more.

important reminders to help with going home for the holidays

• You do not have to be the version of yourself your family thinks you “should” be; you are valid just how you are

• You are not your childhood self, and your growth matters, even if your family continues to treat you the way they used to when you were young 

• Spending holidays with your chosen family is just as valid as spending time with your biological family; your boundaries and emotional and physical safety are integral.

• You are a whole person who is capable of making different choices. 

• You are not worse off if you fall into old patterns; you are simply human and in the extraordinarily difficult process of rewiring your brain.

grounding techniques for the holidays

• 5-4-3-2-1: First, name (out loud or in your head) 5 things that you can see, then 4 things you can feel, then 3 things you can hear, then 2 things you can smell, and finally, 1 thing you can taste. If counting feels overwhelming, consider sticking to one sense (for example, name all of the things you can see one by one) or just name one thing for each sense.

• Box Breathing: Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 seconds. Repeat until you begin to feel more regulated. 

• Affirmations: Place a hand over your heart and breathe in deep. Practice saying one of the above reminders as an affirmation

• Hold a piece of ice and focus on the sensation in your hand. Breathe until you feel more relaxed.

Wishing you a happy, healthy holiday season and lots of setting healthy boundaries energy!

Courtney Rago is an empath, a critical thinker, a creative, and a questioner. She helps creative individuals to get to know and celebrate all parts of themselves and their talents. She is passionate about supporting families and partners to build healthy relationships and feel more nourished by their intimate connections. She firmly believes that we have the power to rewrite who society tells us we “should” be, challenging the status quo, and radically celebrating ourselves as an act of resistance. At heart, Courtney is a Jersey girl who talks fast, walks fast, drinks too much coffee, and reallyyyy misses Yankee games and NY bagels.

Caitlin Harrison is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward.

Utilizing the relationship between client and therapist, Caitlin embodies hospitality and humor in her work which allows an inclusive and collaborative space to share all of life’s ups, downs, and in betweens. Overall, her work is focused on ensuring that you feel safe coming home to yourself. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.

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