Let’s set the scene. You’re sitting next to your primos on Christmas Eve about to unwrap your tamales. You have your frijoles on your plate, ready to dig in, and you get the question: “Y tú novia(o)?”(The language is super binary, I know.) You’re mid-bite of that perfect tamal and Tía has to kill the vibe. Órale pues.

If you’re a Latinx young adult and single, chances are you get this question every holiday. It’s never fun. Unfortunately in our culture, like many others, there is this impression that something is wrong with you if you aren’t in a partnership. There could be many reasons why you don’t have a significant other sitting at the table with you.

tips for setting boundaries

So, how do we survive these questions? While culturally we are raised to give respect to our mayores, you can still set boundaries. For starters, no one said you have to answer the question if you don’t want to.

Statements for stopping your family’s questions 

• “I’m not interested in talking about that.”

• “I’m not seeing anyone and that’s okay.”

• “There are more important things to me than a partner right now.”

• “I’m not interested in a partner at this time.”

If your Tía is chill and you’ve got jokes

• “Damn, let me eat my food in peace!”

• “Let me live!!”

• “Excuse me. I am too busy living the dream.”

• “I’m really good. Thanks for asking.”

• “Aye, déjame en paz.”                    

Now that you’ve set your boundary, you are in the clear to change the subject. If you’re wanting to continue a conversation with them that involves you talking about yourself, share about something you are proud of. One great topic is talking about how you are working on nourishing your mental health. This a reminder to yourself and your Tía that you are so much more than a relationship status. If you don’t want to talk about yourself but you are still mid-tamal and sitting right next to her, turn the conversation to focus on her. “Y usted, Tía? Como te va?”

Setting boundaries in the Hispanic community can be hard. For others, it may be easy to state the boundary, but sitting with the “guilt” still really sucks. 

It’s a growing process for us to deal with the guilt of stating our needs. 

I’m here to remind you that you are not doing anything wrong by sharing with someone what you are and are not okay with.

Before you ask someone why they are single, consider this:

• This person may have gone through an abusive relationship.

• They may be grieving the loss of a partner.

• They may be sorting through their identity.

  • More blogs to come on being queer in the Latinx community.

• They may feel happier without a partner.

• They may prefer platonic love.

• They don’t need a fucking reason!!!

Here’s some affirmations to say to yourself to help remind you of your worth:

• I am made to be more than just a partner.

• I can feel other sources of love around me.

• I am worthy of love.

• Finding a relationship does not have to be my sole focus.

• I can be happy as I am.

• I’m that bitch. I don’t need shit from anyone.

• Soy chingona.

• Tengo un corazon grande.  

Regardless of your relationship status, Kindman & Co. wishes you a warm holiday season, whichever way you choose to spend it.

Gaby Teresa is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, Latina/mixed raced, social justice-oriented, and exceptionally curious. She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. She is passionate about supporting undocumented immigrants, Latinx, & BIPOC folks to explore and unpack the harms of systemic oppression & white supremacy and move towards individual and collective healing from racial trauma.

From a Health at Every Size perspective, Gaby challenges fat phobic narratives and helps people adopt amore loving relationships with their bodies by promoting body diversity and dismantling the “thin ideal.”Overall, Gaby is proud to be another messy human walking alongside you, helping you to build tools and relationships that better support you and ensure that you get your relational needs met.

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