On Consensual Non-Monogamy: The Basics
Let’s just start this off by saying that relationships are COMPLICATED! Any relationship between human beings carries with it countless internal and external pressures that require awareness, insight, communication, negotiation, and communication. Did I mention communication? These skills are important in any relationship, and when you invite another person into your relationship, complications and possibilities multiply. I want to welcome you all to the expansive, confusing, and wonderful world of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and polyamory (or poly.)
ways to practice consensual non-monogamous relationships
The research is new, but it’s clear that CNM and Poly relationships are as fulfilling, connected, and healthy as traditional monogamous relationships. One of the most exciting and scary things about CNM is that there is no widely-accepted model for what a successful poly relationship should look like. This is where things get fun, and where the work really begins. There are many ways to practice CNM, and perhaps you fall in or near one of the following categories:
Polysecure: Jessica Fern’s chart of the types of non-monogamy
Swinging
You and your partner are in a committed relationship, and you allow for sexual intimacy with other folks that you both agree upon. Maybe you play together, maybe separately. These encounters usually don’t involve much ongoing emotional intimacy.
Open Relationships and Monogamish Relationships
You and your partner are in a committed relationship, and you allow for sexual and/or emotional intimacy with others (sometimes called metamours) that you may or may not know. These encounters may be longer lasting, and involve greater degrees of relational intimacy though are often more casual than your primary relationship.
Polyamory
You seek or have several committed, intimate relationships. While intimacy can be expressed through sex, emotional depth, and structural agreements (like marriage and financial agreements), each relationship in the polycule is founded in an effort to create secure attachment bonds. You can be solo poly, or in one of many configurations of polyamory (triad, quad, hinged polycules, and so on), and can be hierarchical in the level of commitment or depth. Hierarchy, however, can pose ethical problems when one partner exerts power over their metamours.
Relationship Anarchy
According to Andie Nordgren, who popularized the term Relationship Anarchy, “Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.” Relationship anarchists draw no particular distinction or hierarchy between friendships, romantic relationships, and multiple relationships. Each relationship is unique and allowed to develop along its own course without restrictions of labels or adherence to cultural constructs.
What all of these relationships have in common is relentlessly engaged communication. Boundary crossings, feelings of jealousy, complicated scheduling, power negotiations, and unexpected scenarios are going to occur in any sort of relationship. You cannot plan for every eventuality, but you can prepare your relationships for turbulence.
The more you communicate and plan, the better skills you will have to navigate the complexity of CNM.
resources
This blog post simply cannot address everything related to polyamory and CNM, and it’s just a starting point. Look out for future posts for more in-depth discussion about agreements, power dynamics, attachment and secure functioning in poly relationships, as well as specific pointers on handling the unique challenges that come when practicing CNM. For now have a look at some of these excellent resources.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
An excellent and in-depth book on attachment, trauma, and finding secure functioning in polyamorous relationships
A web magazine covering many aspects of Poly life and experience
An awesome webcomic (on instagram) about relationships, poly things, and communication
Finally, crafting ethical agreements, defining boundaries, and building securely functioning relationships your polycule is nothing you can be expected to know how to do without help. I encourage you to dive into the information linked above and reach out before it feels overwhelming. Let’s work together, and explore how abundant love is!
Steve Wilson is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor, a queer man, and a feminist. He loves working with young adults navigating adulthood, folks healing from racial trauma and minority stress, and couples/partners. He is especially drawn to working with adolescents and young adults embracing queerness. He deeply and personally understand the complexities of queer experience and want to help other queer individuals and partners, parents of queer and trans youth, and those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) to build thriving, connected, & healing relationships.
Fun facts are that Steve has been a teacher, tutor, publicist, recruiter, bookseller, cabinetmaker, and a zip-line tour guide!
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