I woke up early this morning with a sinking feeling, and it was confirmed when I saw my texts from my sister, friends, and from a client requesting to not meet this morning after they had stayed up all night watching the polls. He did it. He won the popular vote and all. I keep saying I’m shocked, but honestly, I’m not. This is white privilege at its finest. This is White Supremacy reigning on. This is my extended family voting for him and feeling proud about it. I just had more hope than this, and my echo chamber of LA voters and similarly thinking friends fueled me into believing there was more of a chance.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the 2016 election. I remember the night that he won, crying to my boyfriend of 7 months, saying, “We can’t have a baby while he’s in office.” He agreed, even though it felt somewhat dramatic to say since we weren’t necessarily moving towards those steps soon, but for me, it felt important.

And now? Me and my then-boyfriend have been married for 7 years (as of this week), and I’m 8 months pregnant. Fuck. It didn’t start sinking in until this summer that I may be going against what I had promised myself 8 years ago– promising that I couldn’t bring a kid into this world while someone like T*ump is in the office. It felt amoral and it felt selfish. 

That’s one of the pieces I’ve been reflecting on the most— the selfishness of having kids. It’s been coming up a lot in sessions with clients who are either also pregnant themselves or considering family planning. I used to shy away from that language, choosing to negate or reframe “selfish” to something more kind-sounding (I attribute this to my conservative upbringing that taught selflessness was a virtue). But now, I embrace it. Choosing to get pregnant is selfish. And selfishness isn’t necessarily negative, it’s just the focus on oneself, which is what my husband and I are doing. We’re focusing on our want and desire to have a child, something that we’ve wanted for a while now. (And just a note on this because reproductive rights are at an even bigger risk during these next 4 years— I’m very pro-choice, all choices. Pro-abortion, pro-pregnancy, pro childfree by choice, pro-abortion and then keeping a pregnancy later, pro you choosing what’s best for you.)

I’m noticing in the acceptance of how this choice is selfish, it allows me to feel more confident in how I want to raise my son. In thinking about me and my journey over just these past 8 years alone, so much has changed. I’m more involved politically, I have more diverse friends and community, and I care more than I used to. And, I am also nervous to present my fully authentic self online/publicly because my family (who I still love but have boundaries around) is not super supportive of all of my parts (this is the first blog post I’ve cussed in and I can hear a judgemental scoff from family). But there’s something about T*ump winning again that makes me not care as much about what my loved ones think. 

I’m emboldened by the fact that over half of our nation doesn’t seem to care about electing a “34-time convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, unrepentant racist, pathological liar, and malignant narcissist” (from a Bishop Talbert Swan tweet). I’m motivated to make it very clear that in raising a white boy, these models of other white men who are permitted to be racist, sexist, and misogynist because of who we elected into office are not what he is going to look to for an example. The other examples are out there– such as the 65% of non-white voters who didn’t vote red this year.

I am responsible for my choice to have a child, just like I’m responsible for my loved ones and community. Just like I’m responsible for my clients. The need to care is big right now. I’m going to be caring for myself by caring for others. I know I’m seeing some friends this weekend and we’re going to be holding space for one another. I know I can hug my dog and receive care from her– that blessed little dumb angel who doesn’t know a damn thing about what’s going on. I know that I can send out texts to my friends who are far away so that we can feel close and cared for. I know that I can make some cookies today and bring them to work. I know that I can donate and volunteer to mutual aid funds, and advocate for community gardens and libraries. I know that I can care for my future child, in a way that supports his most full self and in the way that makes me feel proud of my choice to be a parent. 

I know that I can still hold onto hope while grieving. Because it’s in the both/and that I find the most meaning and empathy.

Do what you can in these next few weeks. Touch grass, drink water, compliment a stranger, and ask for a hug. We have to support ourselves so that we can support one another. You’re not alone and this fear and anxiety is real. Keep reaching out please, we need you all.

Caitlin Harrison is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, social justice advocate, and a feminist.  She works with individuals, intimate relationships, and families. Caitlin is a sex positive therapist with a special interest in the integration of sexuality and spirituality, women’s empowerment, and eradicating narratives of guilt and shame. She is passionate about working with couples because every partnership can be deepened, stretched, and more pleasure-forward. Caitlin feels at home with a cup of coffee in her hand, a bouquet of flowers nearby, and music at the ready to dance to.

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