Being with those who are grieving is one of the most powerless feelings. There’s pretty much nothing you can do to make it better. And it often feels like the things you’re doing are making it worse. If you haven’t experienced loss yourself (or even if you have!), it can be hard to know how to support others who are grieving their own losses. Here are a few simple things to try to help a loved one who is grieving:

Be curious about the loss

Being curious about someone’s loss can help in a couple of ways. First, it allows space for the grieving person to talk about their loss. In most spaces in society, this kind of talk is minimized or eliminated, and so opening space for someone to share about their loss and their experience of it can be very supportive. It also allows someone space to express what might be helpful to them specifically—maybe they’re especially struggling at work or with childcare. Maybe their messy house is bringing them down. By being curious, you can find out what you might be able to do to help, even if it’s just a small thing. 

Don’t make assumptions or compare your experience

No two losses are the same. Just because you’ve experienced the same thing as someone else doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through. It can be helpful to share similar or other experiences of loss, but don’t make assumptions about someone’s grief or compare it to your own. Like so many feelings, grief is one that’s easily transformed by shame, and so being open and non-judgmental as a support to someone who’s grieving is really important.

Be patient with someone who is grieving

Grief is long. There’s no way to accelerate the process, and from the outside it can be hard to understand how painful the experience can be and how slowly it progresses. As a support to someone who is grieving, one of the best things you can do is be patient with them. If the symptoms of grief persist for a while—let that be okay. Keep checking in, keep being curious. This kind of ongoing support and love is one of the most meaningful things you can do. For many people, there’s a feeling that the world is “moving on” after a loss, and by being patient you can let someone know that you’re not going to let the get left behind.

Be present with your loved one

Most of the time there is nothing you can do for someone who is grieving. You can’t bring back what or who they’ve lost, and you can’t change the present circumstances. Sometimes the best thing to do is just be really, wholly present with someone. Whether that’s sitting silently with them while they cry, showing up for them at funerary events, or going on a neighborhood walk, being with someone who’s experiencing pain can be very powerful. Pain is made more bearable by connection, even if one can’t see it at the time. Because of the uniqueness of each loss mentioned above, there is a lot of loneliness in grief and any way that you can be present with someone builds a connection—to you and to their life, which they’re trying so hard to get back to.

These were presented as “simple” ideas, and they are simple. To support those who are grieving, it’s usually most helpful to try simpler things. You can’t fix loss, and don’t need to try. Just be you, be open, and keep showing up.

Grief counseling at Kindman & Co.

We hope these tips give you some ideas to help you support a loved one who is grieving, as well as yourself during a very challenging time. Significant loss touches so many people and it can be incredibly overwhelming to navigate on your own. Whether you are grieving a loss or someone you love is, we’re here to help. We have trained grief therapy specialists who are ready to support you, when you are. Read more about therapy for grief and loss services.

Anna Kim is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a writer and an adventurer. Anna enjoys working with individuals, intimate relationships, and groups to support growth and change. She is especially interested in grief & loss, identity & authenticity and attachment, but appreciates all the infinite, complicated parts of being alive.

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THERAPY SERVICES AT KINDMAN & CO.

We are here for your diverse counseling needs. Our team of therapists provides lgbtqia+ affirmative therapy, couples therapy & premarital counseling, grief & loss counseling, group therapy, and more. We have specialists in trauma, women's issues, depression & anxiety, substance use, mindfulness & embodiment, and support for creatives. For therapists and practice owners, we also provide consultation and supervision services! We look forward to welcoming you for therapy in Highland Park and online.